Saturday, May 14, 2005

Joe Blow's Adult Baseball League Update #3

Three scheduled games since the last update; 1.4 actually played! We will begin with the ok one, followed by the good one that didn't count..

Game 3:
Final Score: Us 14, Them 6

Team Record: 1-2

Joe Blow's Offensive Stats:

Game 3: 0-1 (K, 2 BB)

Season Totals:
Avg.: .000
OBP: .400
Slg.: .000
OPS: .400
RBI: 1

You know, I just carry the bat to the plate to give off the illusion I might hit the ball. No hitting actually occurred in the playing of this game. I managed to stake my claim this time to the demeaning role of "extra hitter", as we had 10 guys show up for the game. never mind the fact that some of these guys show up to about 1 of every 3 games, or that a few of them can't possibly play the field at any position. yes, the new guy gets to sit the bench until it's his time to hit. add to that the insult of not just being the extra hitter, but batting 10th out of 10, and you can extrapolate my mindset once this game started.

I don't know why I even try to keep statistics. it's really just for my own amusement. one of the manager ladies for this team keeps a scorebook, but she constantly has to ask about actual rules of the game, so I can pretty much guarantee you she has no idea how to accurately score the game. not to mention the guys on the team; during game #3, one guy on the bench actually said this:

"Yeah, I have an on-base percentage of 1.000. I've either got a hit, or walked, or got hit by a pitch every time up so far."


let me just take a second here: hahahahahaha.

ok. give me a break. dude, nobody on this team can hit, and you guys RARELY reach base. not every time: more like, barely *any* time. he also said, "well, I've only been up 5 times anyway." um, I batted 7 times in the first two games alone, and he hits ahead of me in the order. do outs not count as at-bats? that would probably explain it. but, then came this gem from another guy:

"Yeah, I have a .533 batting average, and a .667 on-base percentage. of course, I don't count errors or anything in my calculations."


ha. .533 batting average – um, I don't remember *any* of your hits, let alone the idea that you've been on base more than, like, once in the games so far. and, you know, errors count for something, i think. these are the eggheads I have to deal with. trust me: despite the fact that I had been on base as much as anyone in the lineup at that point, the idea that I reached on walks means i never reached base at all, and (for the other guys) the other teams' errors/fielder's choices/dropped 3rd strike at bats were "hits". because the guys on my team swung the bat. I'm surprised those guys even knew the term "on-base percentage". of course, I wouldn't actually expect them to know how to calculate it.

anyway, you know, there I was on the bench, getting steamed about being the "extra hitter" at the bottom of the lineup. sure, put the pregnant looking guy at shortstop, put the guy that always wants a "courtesy" runner to run the bases for him in left field. god forbid you put a solid defender in the game at key positions. luckily, my clumsy slow replacement got bored of standing in left field after two innings, so I got to play the remaining 5 innings standing around, doing a whole lot of nothing. apparently, guys in this league haven't caught up to the 55 mph fastball yet, so nobody ever pulls the ball. I fielded a grounder that got by the pregnant man at shortstop, and a line drive on two hops. that was it.

when I fielded that line drive, the batter took a big turn around first just as I grabbed the ball. I was going to softly toss it in to the cut-off (pregnant) man – just an easy throw, seeing as how it's never a good idea to show the other team what kind of arm you have until absolutely necessary, so they'll be off-guard as far as your prospective chances of throwing them out – but, when the guy took an aggressive turn around 1st, I double-clutched the ball and got ready to throw it to 2nd base instead. keep in mind, I'm in pretty shallow left-field at this point; the throw to 2nd was about 20 feet further than the throw to pregnant man. the runner halted his advance.

pregnant man: GET THE BALL IN HERE, NOW!!
me: Why, he isn't going!?


and then I returned to my spot. and I mostly stood there, getting pissed off that Dumpy – despite the fact that I've now watched him completely drop a fly ball after it bounced off of his glove, botch a number of ground balls (or just plain not attempt to get to them, including one earlier that night), and repeatedly try to pretend like he's a switch-hitter when he bats, even though he can't hit from either side – yell at me in front of the team for not throwing the ball to his stupid ass. that shit doesn't help me, because the people running the team don't know that much about baseball, so if Stubby yells, he must be right. goddammit.

anyway, we actually won that game. no thanks to the rest of the team while I was on the bases: if we didn't score on passed balls and wild pitches, we'd NEVER score. I was on base 2 out of 3 times, and nobody *ever* moved me up a base through either hitting the ball or drawing a walk. it's all strikeouts and wild pitches.

walks are like death here. walks, seemingly, rank lower on the scale than embarrassingly bad strikeouts and lazy pop-ups to the catcher. but, you know, the catcher has that complicated glove and all, so he has to make a good play to catch it..

of course, god forbid our catchers actually block pitches or make any kind of defensive play at all.

I used to play catcher back in the day – WAY back, I'm talking from t-ball to coaches pitch to bantams – and, even though I haven't played it for years, I still know that it's not that hard to keep pitches in front of you at this level. it just takes: 1) concentration 2) effort 3) disregard for personal comfort. I mean, you can't block everything, but it's not that hard in the local rec circuit.

you wouldn't know it from this league. aside from the fact that I can pretty much steal bases at will (when I'm not hitting behind the biggest, slowest guy on the team – hey, this 10th spot could work out well after all..), none of the catchers really make that much attempt to stop every other pitch from going to the screen. it's ridiculous, and kind of insulting. especially when these pitcher and catcher guys try to talk to each other as if they're "calling" the game and "setting people up" with pitches and all that. hell, maybe they think they are. I think they would be better served by actually, you know, throwing strikes. cause that shit's a rarity around these parts.

we were supposed to play a double-header last Sunday. we made it through 3 innings of the 1st game before the rain came down and stopped play. here are the stats through 3 innings:

Game 4:
Us 14, Them 2 (3 innings)

Team Record: 1-2 (not an official game)

Joe Blow's Offensive Stats:

Game 4: 1-2 (fielder's choice, single, 2 RBI, 2 stolen bases, 1 run scored)

Season Totals:
Avg.: .125
OBP: .417
Slg.: .125
OPS: .542
RBI: 3
SB: 2

I came up in the 2nd inning with a runner on 3rd and 1 out, and grounded into a fielder's choice that scored a run. my question is: if a hitter hits a fly ball that scores a run, or bunts a runner to another base, they're credited with a sacrifice and not an official at-bat. what about a ground ball that scores a run? you don't think *that* could be on purpose, too? I knew if I put the ball in play, it would score a run, and after fighting off a few pitches, that's what I did. yet, it counts against my average and as an official at-bat. kind of a dumb rule in that regard.

anyway, the brain trust at the head of our organization put pregnant man in left field this time, while I lucked into staking out right field. it was extremely windy, which meant no one (our team or the other one) could catch anything hit to left. pretty sad, really, to watch from right. i guarantee i won't be with this team next year, so i won't miss the whole "watch this team screw up really, really bad on just about every play" thing.

anyway, after blooping a single in the 3rd, I stole some bases, and scored the final run in the bottom of the 3rd on a passed ball. we were, apparently, up 14-2 by that point, but as we ran to take the field in the top of the 4th, the rain started. and, within a minute, poured. I looked to the umpires. no signal. great. one batter up, two pitches later, they called it. I huddled in an odd spot just in front of our bench, as the rain was blowing in from the back of the dugout as well as pouring over from the roof. there was very limited space that provided any kind of protection.

eventually they cancelled the game altogether, and it was ruled "unofficial", since it didn't go the required amount of innings (whatever that is). but, honestly, I'd like to keep the stats. it's not like I'm angling for a contract or anything anyway..so, it counts. now, to fix the fact that all my hits are bloops..

dutifully,
Joe Blow

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