the royals break out ZPG again.

god I hate this team.

in fact, here goes:


I hate you, MLB.

you are the absolute worst sport to follow. measure yourself up. pick anyone, I don't care.

let's go through a few laughable solutions:

NFL: these guys have shoved so many boots in your ass, it's just painful to watch. hey, the giants just gave eli manning (i.e. ASSHOLE) a $20 million signing bonus! and, sadly, that's another foot in your ass! because, see, if the giants spend way too much money on a pampered, spoiled brat that doesn't work out, well, that's money they didn't get to spend on other positions. if the yankees spend way too much money on a pampered, spoiled brat that doesn't work out...that's just lost money! but they can buy another for reserve. I mean, another four in reserve! there's absolutely zero penalty.

NBA: same deal. say someone like, oh, L.A. manages to luck out and score up a big name, high-priced free agent. we'll call him SHAQUILLE O'NEAL. well, they obviously can't compete with a huge market powerhouse team like miami, right? so they're *forced* to trade off their superstar SHAQUILLE O'NEAL (and his salary!) once a contract year hits...it's just a travesty. a small-market like L.A. just can't keep the people they develop. they're stuck with leftover scrubs like KOBE BRYANT and the like. wait, what's that? every team in the league can afford big-name free agents pretty much any season as long as they're not complete salary morons?!? what a concept!

do I even have to go on? MLB is the stupidest goddamn league ever in existence. I guess they think that just because their "product" is the "best", they don't have to worry about shit ever. keep things going on as however they go on, and it's, uh, great!

fuck it. I hate MLB, I already hated most of the teams, and I'm almost really starting to hate the royals. and, it's not even the royals so much as hating being a royals fan. there's no chance. and, what little chance there might have been, the "moneyball" "revolution" (and I use "revolution" in very RIDICULOUS quotes) have pretty much ruined any chance a "small-market" team had.

look at it like this: what the fuck is a small-market major league baseball franchise? as far as market size, kansas city is the smallest. do they lose $20 million a year? not a fuckin chance. but that's another argument.

do they bring in a LOT less money than a market like new york or boston? absolutely. is there ANY REASON WHATSOEVER why these teams shouldn't be able to spend the exact same amount of money? not at all. not a fuckin chance. there is absolutely ZERO reason WHATSOEVER that a team in the same league playing the same caliber of teams shouldn't have equal footing to make the same decisions and same mistakes than any team can make.

yet, MLB is fucked beyond belief and stupid as shit.

they say there's no problem with this. a team in a MASSIVELY bigger market bringing in MANY TIMES the revenue of other teams can spend, and spend, and spend at will, and, shit, why the fuck can't you beat them? oakland managed to win a little against slightly similar teams, and minnesota managed to squeak out victories against teams that spend like they do, and...ya know what, fuck it. moneyball fucked fans of teams like the royals in a lot of ways.

here's how it goes:

oakland wins because of three reasons:
1) mark mulder
2) tim hudson
3) barry zito

and, no, I don't even care that barry zito has said before that his favorite band is NOFX, who was my favorite band until I was like 18 or 19. while cool, he's fucked the royals over, so that's little consolation. I read before (and it seems impossible to find a link now, so you just have to trust me =) ) that the oakland A's were planning on choosing Kyle Snyder (RHP, Royals disabled list) in the 1999 draft, had the royals not taken him 2 spots before. I think it was perpetual bandwagon hoppers Rob & Rany that said it before most prominently, although their running archive is amazingly not available...crazy, huh?! anyway, say the a's had taken snyder...then the "big three" would have been the "big two", and no one would have even bothered to concoct that nickname, since the a's would have had two good pitchers and a bunch of shit, seeing as how snyder would have been perpetually injured in any organization (please don't blame HIM on the royals)...and, then, the a's would have proven the DIVISION-WINNING difference between having two dominant pitchers and three. landing zito after snyder spawned a whole generation of misguided baseball "minds" that will inevitable idolize guys that, while seemingly smart, can't compete with squads that can simply buy players that everyone knows is good, rather than try to scrape "unknown" guys that will contribute just as well. by letting in on any sort of "secrets" (if you really believe that), these so-called "moneyball" teams will find themselves consistently at the bottom of the pile, as teams that can actually spend money will now buy players who have supposedly been scientifically "proven" to excel. basically, hey, thanks guys for evaluating players based on more criteria for us, now we will buy them instead of you.

basically, here's how it works:

– the royals draft someone that turns out to be good

team: "we certainly hope they can help us compete in the near future.."
experts: "the royals farm system has turned up some quality players who are expected to fill in well at the big-league level. this farm system is STOCKED.."
the royals: "there is certainly a learning curve. we are in a rebuilding mode."

the royals don't win 75% of their games..

experts: "the royals system is COMPLETELY DEVOID OF TALENT."
royals: "we are bringing up so-and-so to replace so-and-so, to see if so-and-so is ready for the majors...if not, so-and-so will contribute next year."
other teams: "here's some bubble gum and a smack in the face. now give us your player that's proven he is actually good at this level."
royals: "we really expect the bubble gum to compete at the major league level within the next two years."
royals fans: "why the fuck can't we possibly keep one fuckin player who we already know is good?"
other royals fans: "we kept the one guy who was good. everyone sucks around him, but he STILL doesn't win. maybe we can get rid of his successful ass for a couple guys that we have no idea if they'll ever possibly contribute at the AA level, let alone the major leagues. they're cheaper anyway.."
royals: "we have traded the guy that represented any semblance of a chance we had as a winner, much like the guys before him that could have helped us compete, to some team that actually spends money and sent us crap and PLEASE STILL GO TO THE GAMES, because otherwise our super-rich multi-millionaire owner may have to claim he's losing money on a venture that's entirely money-making any way you look at it...ok, he will anyway. but he would like to see us win, you know? he's in now way willing to spend any money at all to buy a winner, but he would sure like it if he could spend almost ZERO and have the team win and have suckers fans come out and see the WINNING team. remember winning? do you? ownership would sure like to see these scrubs win something, for sure..
MLB: "look, some other team got lucky as they happened to scrape through horrible season after horrible season to bring up like 3 guys that can play decently at the same time, which means they magically made it to the playoffs, which makes MLB smile because we can claim that your sorry ass team that spends less than 1/5 of what other teams spend should be able to beat them regularly apparently...as long as you make good offseason moves, of course! no, don't pay attention to that massively high-priced guy going to one of the teams that spends 500% more than you. you want to be contracted?!"

god, I'm getting too tired and a little bit too tipsy to keep going. basically, the royals will supposedly never be able to afford SHIT. it'll have to be cheap-o rookie shit or nothing. baseball gets stupider and stupider, and the dumb mother fuckers that buy into everything baseballprospectus and all yer sabermetric worshippers/authors write are fucking this game even more. you know it's crap, right? you can create just about any "metric" to prove whatever you want. no, I don't agree with a dumbfuck like buster olney's "productive outs", but there is such a thing. yes, joe morgan is a GIGANTIC idiot in just about everything that ever comes out of his mouth, but there *is* some value in old-time baseball evaluation. sadly, people like simple answers and one solution from one source, so even if they think they're on the cutting edge of analysis, they're still swiping their analysis from people that don't exactly have it right. which is how billy beane can get judged a genius, even though all he really did was luck into three dominant starting pitchers. let's see the oakland a's minus one or two of those jerks, assuming the other teams in the division haven't completely dismantled. then billy beans probably won't look like wanking material to so many "sabermetric" guys.

anyway, forget about the royals the rest of this year. or next year. or the next year. we'll never been allowed to spend money or pick up people. good people. or keep good people. it's horrifically awful.

I hate MLB. more later.

heya...you still around? well, Royal Blues has obviously been on an extended break here. unintentionally. but, you know, sayin' something is sayin' something and...it's been awful quiet lately.

is there anything actually interesting about this team right now? I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say no. in fact, a couple nights ago I had to pick someone up from the airport, and I decided I'd rather listen to cd's there and back rather than the royals game that was on that night. you know things have gotten pretty bad when that happens.

anyway, uh, while I was gone the royals won some and lost some and I think some guys got some hits and other nights they pretty much didn't and...I'm not even gonna guess that there were any good pitching performances. I still pay some attention, you know?

but I certainly plan on getting this little site back on track and updated regularly. uh, after this weekend. I'm not sure I have any interest in trying to keep it updated daily or anything, but I definitely plan on having more words here. and that is all the excitement I can promise when it comes to the royals.

well, ok.

it was a good game. for a while. and then it wasn't, but, you know, we'll always have the first five innings.

backing up a bit..

I arrived extra super early to find that nobody felt like taking batting practice today. thanks guys. I sure am glad kauffman opens 2 hours early on weekends instead of 1 ½ hours. really worked out well.

I did get in on the shirts, though. X-large and medium. quite an array of choices. I'll see what I can do to shrink that XL on down to an L, I suppose. though the mediums were totally a better shade of "powder blue".

so, with nothing upon nothing to provide entertainment at kauffman for two hours, I wandered
aimlessly around. just wandered. around. here. and there. around again. there's tha...oh, seen it before. hey, wha...oh, nevermind. as much as I like kauffman, the entertainment options are definitely lacking. I think its biggest problem is also what kind of makes it a nice facility – there's absolutely nothing around it. though, amazingly, it still gets to be a gigantic clusterfuck to get in and out of with only a small number of people. that's what's disappointing.  there are no little restaurants or bars or, I don't know, arcades or anything, as the stadiums are a gigantic entity unto themselves. yet the traffic crew can't get people in and out in any sort of sensible pattern, and I always have to take a mystical journey all the way around arrowhead when the parking lot I'm trying to get to is, seriously, a baseball's throw away. I'm assuming the parking lot people quit after pretty much every game and they have to get an entirely new staff in 24 hours.  because that's the only thing that keeps me from making a mess when my head explodes after yet another parking person mindlessly thumbs right and waves towards their face while jawing with another of the orange-jacketed automatons.

this is not, however, an endorsement for a downtown baseball stadium. yes, downtown is dead as shit, and I would love to see it revitalized with something. just not the royals. on my way to the stadium, I got stuck in downtown traffic – at 9:30 A.M. on a Saturday. downtown is always stuck. the royals don't need downtown. they just need to come up with better stuff than
their nothing.

as far as the game, I got stuck sitting in front of this group of college-aged, drinking, cussing, church-going dorks. who never shut up. it was a weird combination that proved super annoying. my god.

the royals looked lost on offense. they were totally off-balance the entire day. gobble did pretty well, but after shutting the twins out through five, pitched a ROYALS (tm) 6th inning, complete with a couple doubles and a couple home runs. all bunched together. amazing how other
teams are always better at that than us.

well, ok, it's hard to bunch 1 hit. but we did have a run finally roll across the plate, and, hey, we made a couple errors, so we at least didn't have that ugly 0 at the end of our box score! yep, 1-1-2.

anyway, the shirts are big.

woah, the last couple mornings have been a little weird here at the Royal Blues factory. a blown gasket here, a hydraulic leak there – it's amazing how many pieces it takes to keep this machine crankin'. of course, it doesn't help when the input I've been given seems so unreliable. take this for example:

Royals 3, Twins 1

I mean, look at this crap – solid pitching, effective bullpen, outscoring the opponent – how can I possibly be expected to get good, reliable output when this is what I've been given to work with? I mean, there are some tell-tale signs that it's not all mixed up, that's there's some actual royals data somewhere in there. there's the potentially costly error in the ninth. or scoring 2 in the first and still only scoring 3 for the game. but I'm afraid I won't be able to give an accurate report on this royals game until I get the real information.

and then, as I was warming up the machine today, I realized it wasn't just a one-time shipping error by my supplier. look at this:

Royals 12, Twins 3

needless to say, I've switched my business to someone who can give me kansas city royals information. I think someone's just went through and colored in whatever he wants:

"dee brown? have him hit a grand slam. aaaand, how about he comes up with the bases loaded in three innings in a row. not the sonic slam inning, though. that'd be funny. mike sweeney? give him another three hits. no, make that four. darrell may? another strong outing! ha ha ha, now were gettin' crazy! desi relaford? home run! I haven't gone too far now, have I? oh well, no one reads these things anyway.."

therefore, in the interest of collecting an accurate set of data, I am going to make an appearance in person at the game today. what's that? no, this has nothing to do with me happening upon that set of company tickets that was floating around this week. yes, this is totally for business purposes. honest! and, unlike "stolen base pillow" night at the K last year, I plan on not getting
stuck in ridiculous "winning royals" traffic and missing out. let's see, I've packed my tire slashers, my oil slick, my smokescreen, umm...oh yes, even the "go-go gadget" wheels. yep, I'd say that's just about everything all right..

"ALL"-"STAR" rambling..

Royals Win 2 Out of 3 in Baltimore
(ed: Joe, check the source on this)

Darrell May Pitches a Shutout
(ed: Joe, what are you doing here? please be serious.)

Royals Shut Out Until 9th Inning
(Joe: ed, is this better? OPG!)

Royals Score 11 in Series Finale Victory
(ed: Joe, please, people take this seriously..)

* * * * * *

oops, guess I took a couple days longer than I planned on. this team isn't exactly the most inspiring team to write about right now, though I did intend something for the "all"-"star" break. nothing doing, obviously.

anyway, on Tuesday we had our company outing, where we all went and stunk it up at golf. I've quickly learned this year that I hate golf. so about hole #9, I started drinking some beers, after which I played exactly the same. upon returning home, I continued, and figured, what better way to get pissed off than watching the all-star game at the same time...so, here it is, a day late, but here anyway. enjoy!

* * * * * *

on to the "all"-"star" game:

the taco bell pitching guy: seriously, what was that guy throwing? the "girl ball"? the "puss ball"? wait, he threw like a total complete pre-pubescent girl and won a million dollars? I'm speechless..

though I could go for some taco bell.

ok, my quick, first-come words on the "all-stars" and / or why they were chosen:

AL reserve coaches:

tony pena: token
carlos tosca: foreign

players:

francisco rodriguez: world series
miguel tejada: big contract
david ortiz: high profile team
curt schilling: high profile / big contract
esteban loiaza: last year
matt lawton: he's here?
ron belliard: eh?
jake westbrook: who? uh..
victor martinez: I've heard he's doing good..
cc sabathia: are the indians doing that well? seriously, what the fuck?
carlos guillen: shortstop's weak again.
ken harvey: SWINGIN'.
joe nathan: hahaha, twins suck.
gary sheffield: dick.
javier vasquez: dick.
tom gordon: dick.
mariano rivera: dick.
hideki matsui: dick.
tim hudson: just wait till the A's can't afford good pitchers..
carl crawford: good crowd response. weird.
hank blalock: good press.
michael young: what, did matt lawton bring him?
francisco cordero: stowaway.
kenny rogers: "you painted up your lips and rolled and curled your tinted hair.."
ted lilly dude, poor guy. that announcer totally gave him a down voice, like he was the very last guy that absolutely didn't belong. I mean, he sucks on my starting rotation in my playstation game, but he made the all-star game, didn't he?

NL reserve coaches:

clint hurdle: the rockies do something good?
jimy williams: hahahaha, the hometown totally hates their manager.

players:

randy johnson: asshole
johnny estrada: hi.
moises alou: tinkle.
carlos zambrano: good press.
barry larkin: old man.
sean casey: good press.
danny graves: please, introduce yourself..
todd helton: "I love colorado!"
mike lowell: "we won the world series!"
miguel cabrera: "that's right! don't forget me in my contract year!"
carl pavano: "I'm here, too."
armando benitez: "I'm not roberto hernandez, I'm not jose mesa, I'm not arthur rhodes...I am ARMANDO BENITEZ. ok?"
carlos beltran: FUCK YOU CARLOS.
paul loduca: see, he's good in my PS2 game..
eric gagne: "I'm here again."
ben sheets: "I make $3.50 an hour...plus tips. god bless you bud selig."
dan kolb: "my last name starts with 'k'. jayson stark: pay attention to what I do, in case it's unusual for a 'k' guy, oK?"
livan hernandez: "yeah yeah, I'm here too.."
tom glavine: traitor.
jim thome: traitor.
bobby abreu: "look ma, I made it! please don't blink!"
jack wilson: "remember my name! oh, it's just like 1,000,000,000,000 others'.."
mark loretta: a guy that deserves to go? I'm confused?
jason schmidt: "fuck roger clemens. ass."

starting manager AL:
joe torre: "yep, I'm here."

players:

ichiro: wuss.
IROD: $$$ ass.
vlad guerrero: $$$ ass.
manny ramirez: $$$ ass.
AROD: $$$ ass.
jason giambi: $$$ ass.
derek jeter: I hate this man more than I hate just about any person EVER.
alfonso soriano: "how do I not break when I hit the ball?"
mark mulder: "just wait till the A's can't afford me.."

starting manager NL:

jack mckeon: "hi!"

players:

edgar renteria: "I play for st. louis."
albert pujols: "do I even play first base?"
barry bonds: die.
scott rolen: $$$ ass.
sammy sosa: you want me to save this wine cork for ya? dumbass.
mike piazza: is he jack or will? you decide!
lance berkman: "I play for houston!"
jeff kent: "and you thought mike sweeney was a dork!"
roger clemens: he's right there below jeter. ASS.

first thing: as far as this roger clemens / mike piazza thing...roger clemens is a complete asshole, and mike piazza is obviously gay. unfortunately, piazza is too gay for his own good, because he's totally taken it from roger clemens throughout this entire ordeal. it would be awesome if he completely refused to catch him, or caught the ball and charged the mound, or stabbed the guy through the neck, or...oh, uh, hey! anyway, um, piazza: stop being so gay. kick his pasty, turncoat, money-grubbing, childish mother-fucker ass.

fantasia's national anthem: good lord. that girl is annoying on top of annoying. can I stick Q-tips completely through her head a couple of times? cause that's about how I feel. on good days, at least..

muhammad ali: I thought he was put into cold storage like ronald reagan until he died. the all-stars closing in on him in some sort of faux "show of respect" was totally ridiculous. I hate those guys.


the announcers are gay, can we just get that out of the way? they're totally lame, it's not even worth commenting on. probably. oh, I'm sure they'll say something eventually that I can't stand and I'll say something. but, I try not to pay attention, so...you know..

Top 1st
Ichiro: double off the wall. sosa has no clue how to play it.
I. Rodriguez: triple off the wall. sosa has no clue how to play it.
V. Guerrero: combacker to the mound. clemens plays it like he TOTALLY had I-ROD at his mercy, like he was possibly gonna turn and whip it to third – posturing like a total asshole that manages to convince every baseball writer he had a chance – and weakly throws to first.
M. Ramirez: laces a home run. yee haw.
A. Rodriguez: you think clemens promised him some sweet sweet lovin' for making him look at least a little bit better on TV by striking out? odds say: yes!
J. Giambi: bounces once to uber-dork Jeff Kent, who's too busy worrying about whether roger clemens loves his mustache to field it cleanly. clemens winks at A-ROD to convince him he's the only one..
D. Jeter: HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE meekly slaps a single into right field. HATE.
A. Soriano: launches a home run! dude's scrawny, I must say. clemens retracts his promise of sweet lovin'. A-ROD grins.
M. Mulder: why the fuck is this guy batting? this is stupid. all you can hope is he nails clemens in the forehead...and they never get the ball back..

*Danny Kolb is getting loose*
his only all-star mention, probably ever..

Mulder strikes out. Clemens kisses McKeon.
End Top 1st, AL 6, NL coming up..

E. Renteria: ground out to third. wow.
A. Pujols: doubles to center. yep.
B. Bonds: you know why people walk bonds? #1, because he's on drugs. #2, because he's a moron and it gets to him. #3, because he's on drugs and a moron. #4, because the rest of his team sucks. but, pretty much 99% of it is the fact that he's on drugs and a moron, and on drugs, and...what a dumbass. enjoy your shrunken testicles, freak..
oh yeah, his BALCO-less arms pop out weakly to center.
S. Rolen: "I only like playing for winners! pay me!" oh yeah, we already did the player intros...
Rolen is hit in the butt. Roger clemens volunteers to investigate for the medical staff..
S. Sosa: pops his cork in half while hitting a pop-up to right. Vlad Guerrero has no idea how to play it. NL scores one. Roger Clemens pats everyone on the butt.
M. Piazza: strikes out. he's consoled tenderly.
Clemens leaves his shower-stall # for him on his batting helmet.
End bottom 1st, AL 6, NL 1

Top 2nd
Danny Kolb now pitching. hopefully, roger clemens is dead.

Ichiro: bounces to first. we'll call him: Slapman.
I-ROD: single to center. A-ROD looks at clemens and gets nervous over another guy with "rod" in his name.
V. Guerrero: if all was right with baseball, there's no way he would have left montreal. but baseball is stupid, it's fucked, and these guys are pre-determined all-stars who can pick winners WITH MONEY at will. well, the "WITH MONEY" part has a lot to do with the "winners" part. more on that another time..
anyway, he pops to center. sit down.
*Loiaza warms in the bullpen* whoopee.
M. Ramirez: the announcers blab on and on about the red sox playing the yankees and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah who cares shut up shut up.
ramirez grounds out like a girl to short.
End Top 2nd, AL 6, NL 1

Bottom 2nd
L. Berkman: I can't keep track of who the astros trade and keep and play and move or anything...whatever, guy bounces to first. later.
jeff kent: what a loser. unfortunately, bonds would totally give him some lovin like clemens gives catchers if he was back in the giants lineup.
lovin aside, he lines out to 2nd. maybe he can do some motorcycle tricks in the dugout between innings!
b. larkin:
announcer: "some of you folks out there may not be familiar with mark mulder." what? you watch baseball? he's only every baseball stat guy's wet dream. they lap his every movement up everywhere, sabermetric or not. just wait 'till his contract's up, and see how much "moneyball" he buys into. ok, he won't, and they know that...but let's see them replace him. come on, oakland. do it! that's what everyone is waiting for..
larkin grounds to short third as A-ROD cuts in front and unnecessarily leaps in the air to throw the ball. joe buck drools. clemens licks his lips.
End bottom 2nd, AL 6, NL 1

Top 3rd
Randy Johnson in to pitch. Please, someone, lodge a ball in that face, would ya? dick.
A-ROD: clemens adjusts his cup claps his hands for his former teammate and soon-to-be yankee randy johnson. he hopes johnson doesn't get the best so he doesn't have to spread his loving to 'ol ditch-face either.
johnson wins.
clemens grimaces.

wait, did I just see a super-gay cartoon animation of a completely fake slider? did roger clemens draw it? who approved this?

J. Giambi: single.
D. Jeter: HATE. singles. die.
giambi wobbles into second, too weak to complete the trek to third. he asks for some BALCO, but instead receives clemens' cup. he accepts.
A. Soriano: singles right past renteria. what, defense is lame or something?
giambi waddles into third. he may have lost all his muscle mass, but he sure didn't get skinny. dumbass.
KEN HARVEY: PINCH HITS FOR M. MULDER. THANK YOU FOR COMPLETELY WASTING OUR GUY IN THE THIRD INNING WITH THE ONLY POSSIBILITY BEING THAT HE WILL BAT ONCE AND DIE.
unless he's gonna pitch. that would rule.
no, he strikes out. you represented us well, ken.
Ichiro: for the THIRD TIME. god fuckin dammit, no. can they die at the same time? no, instead, ichiro spiders away from an actual strike. please, slap something somewhere. we LOVE it. cause you're totally japanese, ya know?
ichiro slaps it to first.
End top 3rd, AL 6, NL 1

bottom 3rd
Esteban Loiaza now pitching. I thought they shot him after last season, since he was never gonna get any better..

E. Renteria: grounds out to third. A-ROD, again, leaves his feet like a puss.
A. Pujols: grounds to the mound. k.
B. Bonds: walks. swing the bat, retard!! you get calls cause you're totally gonna roid rage on an umpire if he calls it bad. and get that stupid fuckin cross-earring out of your ear! dipshit..

old man mccarver is whining about intentional walks, because he has no clue about actual strategy. "I remember back blah blah blah" "how could they do that" "blah blah blah" shut up.
S. rolen: base hit. so?
S. Sosa: this guy's just a dumbass. he gets caught doing something that really doesn't help you anyway, he only has a sense of humor when his translator comes up with something, and, basically, he's a total retard. his defense sucks, his grasp of things is poor, and basically the only thing that should come out of his mouth is, "I am sammy sosa." still better than bonds.
anyway, sosa corks out to second.
end bottom 3rd, AL 6, NL 1

*AND NOW...I'm tired of following the game batter by batter.*
in fact, that Taco Bell "girl toss" event earlier has inspired me to get some food. at wendy's.

wait, giambi just said to bonds: "love you too, baby."

I'm getting dinner.

* * * * *

so, I come back and bud selig is totally making out with roger clemens. what the fuck? houston gets to host their 2nd all-star game in 18 years, and all of the sudden anything goes? get this asshole off my screen! seriously!

those idiots from wendy's forgot my freakin nuggets! PUT IT ALL IN THE SAME FUCKIN BAG. still like them better than jeter.

that gay cartoon is back. seriously, do you think anybody that doesn't watch baseball is watching this? no, they hate it. plus, the animations are completely stupid. I'm sure roger clemens is at least executive producer.

you think johnny estrada's nickname is "paunch" because his last name is estrada? joe buck? shut up!! there's no coincidence to their nicknames being the same!

anyway, game goes on, complete assholes grope each other while blabbing about what an honor it is to feel each other up. joe buck longs for the day he'll get to do it, too. tim mccarver remembers his name. he smiles.

and..

this game sucks.
back with royals stuff later.

well, as usual, I'll be out this weekend, so no updates until Monday most likely. gee, I'll sure miss writing about this garbage.

in the meantime, greg hall has written a good article to get even more pissed by. I missed "off the couch" when the pitch stopped running it – I didn't know greg hall was still writing about local sports until yesterday. but it's a good read.

I already know I'll miss the game tonight. hopefully I'll catch some of the Saturday and Sunday games, so that I can continue on my path to completely hating major league baseball. to fully get into it would be one long, lengthy column (which I'll probably end up writing one of these days), but, for the most part, it's the fact that every team, no matter how completely ridiculously uneven the playing field is, is judged by the exact same standards. yes, the royals make many bad decisions, but to expect them to compete at all is nothing short of absurd. as much as I hate to say it, I'm really starting to hate major league baseball something fierce. I think it says a lot about just how stupid MLB is when they can't keep the fans that completely live and breathe baseball from hating it with a vengeance. I already do, for the most part. I don't want to, but I do. and as this season continues down the sewer pipes, it just makes me wonder why I even bother investing anything in this team. most of the time, it just seems like there's no point.

but anyway, have a nice weekend! back on Monday with the zero-run report.

apparently my work here at Royal Blues is being taken a little too seriously. see, when I cranked out the ZPG theory of royals ineptitude, I didn't realize that many of my 1s of visitors were actual royals players. you wouldn't believe the number of inquiries I got from unnamed players who did not want to be mentioned. "is that true?" "who really said that?" "I had no idea about this! those guys never tell me anything.."

so, in the interest of not wanting to be responsible for the complete and horrible collapse of this team, I have to say this to the players: guys, I was joking. honest. I know grasping, um, concepts is tough for most of you, but apparently the "play only one inning a game" thing (later reduced to zero, of course) sunk right in. so, let me explain it simply – repeat this to yourself daily:
hitters: "me swing good pitches. me not swing bad pitches."
fielders: "me catch ball. me think before throwing ball."
pitchers: quit.

checking the KC star sports section each morning sucks. it's not supposed to read like this. and, so, seeing as how "ZPG" really became a rallying cry for this particular royals clubhouse, I am going to change things up. because no one wants to read this garbage (no offense to bob dutton, I'm talking strictly content here), I am rewriting the story to read how it should.
(corrections on the royals behalf in blue.)

Royals: read this.

Royals set franchise mark in blanking of Twins

By JOE BLOW

The Sasnak Ytic Rats

MINNEAPOLIS — The Minnesota Twins succumbed to Royals starter Dennys Reyes for three ground balls in the first inning Wednesday night at the Metrodome. And Reyes didn't even break a sweat after the second.

That settled the basic issue — winning and losing — almost immediately. Thereafter, it was merely a question of whether the Royals could hold on for a franchise-record third straight shutout.

They did, winning 12-0.

Twins right-hander Kyle Lohse, 3-6, allowed fifteen hits hits, most for extra bases, in following blowouts the two previous nights by Brad Radke and Johan Santana.

This is a new high for the Royals. Never before in 36 seasons covering 5,613 games have they held an opponent scoreless in three consecutive games.

Until now.

“Hey,” manager Tony Peña said, “I think we have set a lot of history lately.”

None of it bad.

The Royals only missed a shutout Sunday in a 7-1 loss at San Diego because the Padres homered in the ninth inning.

The question now is will they ever give up a run again? With an open date today, their next chance comes Friday at Baltimore against the Orioles. The Royals' streak of 27 straight scoreless innings is just shy of the franchise record of 30 2/3 , set in 1981.

“You just hope the boys will relax and have fun and enjoy their day off,” right fielder Matt Stairs said. “It can't get better. You know what I'm saying?

“It's not as if we're even trying that hard. We're just not letting opponents swing the bat well, especially when they get men in scoring position.”

The Twins put runners at first and third with one out in the first, fourth and seventh innings. The first two threats ended when Joe Mauer and Torii Hunter grounded into double plays. Reyes struck out Jacque Jones and Cory Koskie in the seventh.

“Even guys who are good hitters aren't hitting,” Peña said. “That is the reality we're going through right now.”

Offense was no problem for the Royals. They rapped out 15 hits, including four each by Dee Brown and rookie John Buck. Brown led off in five of the first seven innings.

Buck had the first four-hit game of his career.

Matt Stairs and Angel Berroa each drove in three runs. In all, the Royals outscored the Twins 25-0 in the three-game sweep.

Reyes, 12-4, surrendered six hits in his nine innings. He gave up six hits, one walk and hit two batters — including Corey Koskie after umpire Chris Guccione warned both benches.

Twins manager Ron Gardenhire protested Guccione's no-ejection call, so much so that he was executed.

Not that it mattered. Peña was already in the process of congratulating Reyes while Gardenhire was carried off the field.

“I pitched better warming up than I did on the mound,” Reyes laughed. “Once again, I was throwing the ball down, and I was repaid for it.”

The Royals also spanked the Twins' bullpen, roughing up Joe Nathan for three runs in 2 2/3 innings, J.C. Romero for two in 2 1/3 , and Grant Balfour for one in one. Only Terry Mulholland escaped; he pitched a scoreless eighth.

Reyes is 3-0 this season against the Twins, which means he's 9-4 against the rest of baseball. He struck out seven and walked none in gaining the third shutout and fourth complete game of his career.

Luis Rivas had three of the Twins' six hits. Henry Blanco, Michael Restovich, and Cristian Guzman each had one.

The Royals have never thrown three straight shutouts since moving to Kansas City in 1969. The 27 consecutive scoreless innings are also a Kansas City record.

“In the major leagues,” Pena said, “I don't care who you pitching against, three straight shutouts is pretty good.”

Even against the Twins, who have now lost eight straight and 13 of their last 14 in falling to 29-53. They have been outscored 103-30 in that span and are batting just .187 as a team.

Has any team ever had greater need of a day off?

“I hope it helps,” Peña said. “Right now, it's the same thing over and over. Nothing that they do is right.”

wow, that was a lot of corrections.
but, does it make you feel better?

ok, no.

Royals Ponder Effectiveness of "One Inning Per Game" Strategy

Team votes to reduce number of innings played to zero

In a bizarre bit of strategy, the Kansas City Royals have announced a plan to take every inning off for the rest of the season.

"We held a team meeting," a player who wished to remain anonymous said, "and, quite frankly, found that we feel better if we gradually cool it down after batting practice."

Teammates echoed the sentiment.

"Playing games almost feels like -- work, you know?" an unnamed player expressed. "Personally, since we put this in, I've never slept better. No more nagging injuries, no risk of pulled muscles – it's great!"

Citing a precedent set by the large number of teammates currently getting paid while residing on the disabled list, many expressed bewilderment as to why they were not allowed to sign up for the list as well.

"I never saw the sign-up sheet," one player noted anonymously, "it's not too late, is it?"

A teammate agreed, "I understand Joe Randa gets to take a month off right now for his knee thing. I've been trying to get an appointment. I mean, at this point, I'm all about a knee scope!"

A fellow teammate expressed frustration over his inability to see the team doctor for a medical procedure. "I guess you either have to have seniority...or know something."

The desire for surgery has spread among the clubhouse in the last few days.

"I tried to get in with Dr. Steven Joyce first," noted a player who did not wish to be identified, "but he was busy. So then I tried Nick Swartz. No luck. I mean, I wouldn't care if (bullpen catcher) Ruben Rodriguez performed a procedure. Seriously. You know anyone?"

The publicity over an apparent "lack of hustle" – and subsequent trade to Los Angeles – given to former Cleveland outfielder Milton Bradley also struck a chord in the clubhouse. Royals that couldn't get traded or added to the disabled list prior to Thursday's game came up with a plan inspired by this idea to minimize actual playing time.

"We decided to only play one inning per night," one player said, "one half-inning on offense, and one half-inning on defense."

A fellow Royals player explained the rationale behind the decision.

"I mean, you look at (Bradley), and he refused to run out a pop-out in a spring training game, and got shipped off to sunny Los Angeles. And I'm still in K.C. It's outrageous. So, I'm taking 90% of the game off."

The plan, put into effect immediately before Thursday night's game, has paid immediate dividends. The Royals scored two runs in the first and held the Orioles scoreless.

"Then we shut it down," said one player, noting the Royals did not have a base-runner the rest of the game. "It was very effective."

Friday night, the Royals chose to save their offensive inning until the ninth.

"We stopped them in the first for our defense inning, but I guess one inning of offense wasn't enough. Ah well."

The Royals came up short, falling to San Diego 7-5.

Saturday night saw the most dramatic effect of the newly-instituted "One Per Game" strategy, or OPG as it became known to the players. After stopping San Diego in the first inning for the defensive stop, the Royals chose to turn on the offense in the top of the 8th, scoring 4 runs to tie the game.

"We figured, we might as well make the one inning count, you know?" a player articulated. "(Heck), we didn't get a hit the first seven innings, then had Tony G. hit a game-tying home run!"

Another teammate agreed, "We wanted to show everyone that we can play when we decide to."

Having already used the defensive inning in the first, however, the Royals found themselves unable to stop San Diego from winning.

"Well, we had only tied it in the top of the 8th, so we were out of innings we could actually play to win it."

A sacrifice fly scored Kerry Robinson in the bottom of the 8th to put the Padres on top for good. The play initially looked bizarre when the throw to home plate from Matt Stairs hit Ken Harvey in the back.

"I saw Harv going out to relay the throw home," explained one player, "so I started yelling 'OPG! OPG!' Harv finally heard me at the last second and blocked the ball with his back."

"It was close," another teammate echoed.

San Diego eventually won the game 5-4.

Sunday saw more of the same, as the Royals played defense in the first inning and saved the offense for late. However, instead of the making the game close, Kansas City was content to settle for one run in the top of the 9th, falling to the Padres 7-1.

"Scoring four runs in an inning is hard work, you know?"

With that thought in mind, the players held another team meeting to devise a new strategy.

"We were good at 'defense in the first, offense in the last', but felt like that was a lot more effort than was necessary."

Teammates nodded in agreement.

"When we found out the checks keep rolling in whether we go 0-for-4 or 4-for-4, the choice was obvious."

The Royals displayed an immediate knack for picking up on the newly coined "Zero Per Game" strategy, laying down for all nine innings in a 9-0 thrashing by the Twins.

"You go into the locker room after the game, and you don't have to worry about kooky shenanigans like someone showering with their clothes on or anything anymore," an unnamed player said, "now it's just like, 'hey, ZPG man!'"

"It's become kind of a greeting with each other. You see someone working too hard in the cage or on the equipment, you just gotta be like 'ZPG', and they realize they're supposed to be watching the clubhouse TV with the rest of us."

The strategy doesn't seem to have any danger of dying off with the 2004 version of the Royals, either.

"I think we'll be able to keep this up the rest of the year," expressed one player, "it's definitely a team effort, though. You know, 'juntos podemos!'"

Royals to city: "We Suck!"

Orioles 3, Royals 2

"We just didn't take good swings at (hittable) pitches...When you don't do that, you don't win a lot of ballgames.” – Matt Stairs

“You don't want to take away aggressiveness, but the play was right in front of (Brown).” – Tony Pena

"...after that, their guys pretty much just shoved it (at us).” – David Dejesus

“I don't even want to talk about it.” – Ken Harvey

"And I'm having no success.” – Brian Anderson

not content to merely let words speak for themselves, the kansas city royals proceeded to display a baffling array of weakness and ineptitude against a pitching staff that had, at one point, boasted the worst ERA of any team in the american league. they fired their pitching coach – hey, didn't we do something similar? – and have resided in the cellar of the american league east for much of the year. orioles, welcome to kauffman. sit down, relax, we'll see what we can do to solve your problems.

disappointed that the royals' pitchers merely own the unearned run crown, the royals offense set to work to lower baltimore's team ERA, scoring 4, 4, 1, and 2 runs in the four games. royals pitching also did its part, battling through a particularly difficult two games in which they allowed 3 and 2 runs to ensure the average runs given up in each of the four games at least equaled a brian anderson-approved 7.

but it was the offense that was the true star of this contest. as is bound to happen, complacency sprung from the two runs scored in the first inning, which under normal circumstances would all but put the game away. feeling it had led a rich and fulfilling life, the offense subjected itself to the firing squad without finishing the krispy kremes requested as a final meal. showing no class, the baltimore orioles proceeded to defile the remains of the royals offense in front of a shocked crowd of 22,000, who, sans doughnuts, was content to accept the spectacle of a quiet ceremony followed by a dignified fireworks display.

instead, what they saw was a massacre, a horrifying display in front of both mixed company and children. famed flamethrower Rodrigo Lopez charred the remains for 5 innings, before handing the reigns to the sadistic b.j. ryan, who continued to torture royals' fans in attendance. suspected necrophiliac jason grimsley, a one-time professed friend of these same royals, proceeded to display a complete disdain for humanity, unfurling a truly grotesque ceremony that left many outraged and the rest disgusted. Jorge Julio was given the unenviable task of cleaning up the carnage, and commenced his duties by spitting and stomping his way through. truly, these men have no conscience.

I hear the fireworks were nice, though.

honestly, I don't care what the royals do at this point, aside from continue to run out desi relaford somewhere every night, subject us to darrell may, brian anderson, saddle us with the "good" first-baseman that hits like rey sanchez, and continue to display an astounding lack of any type of intelligence on the field. that seems to be the thing about greinke that *shocks* everyone – that he "may not have the best stuff" (though anybody that can regularly run pitches up over 90 and throw a few pitches consistently well is someone I would say has pretty good stuff) – but that he is constantly keeping the hitters off balance and throwing things they don't expect and changing the speeds, even on the same type of pitch. um, isn't that what EVERY pitcher should be doing? are they all *that* stupid, that a kid comes along that is smart enough to do that, and instantly rockets to #1 status on a major league team? It just sounds to me like all these others guys are doing is blindly throwing the ball up there without rhyme or reason or any idea about what, exactly, they're doing.

same with hitters – you hear praise for a guy that can hit a ball to the opposite field, or how a guy is struggling because he's trying to pull every pitch – um, didn't you learn anything about hitting at any level of baseball before this? it should just be natural, some pitches go one way, some go another. this ain't slow-pitch softball here – you can't always pick where you want to hit the ball. are they really standing up there trying to hit every pitch they get to left field? seriously?

sometimes I just get frustrated when you see the absolute *wrong* guys with the *right* ability. and here we are, stuck rootin' for 'em.

in good news, curtis leskanic still sucks this year. way to go, buddy.

Orioles 13, Royals 4

i almost don't even wanna talk about this one.

...

ah, whatever.

the royals, once again, made the opposing team's pitcher look like an ace, in an attempt to show...well, they didn't get a hit through four innings. you guys know it's embarassing, right? right??

I listened to the beginning, as 'ol "goldfish" berroa showed off his outstanding attention span by immediately committing an error on the first play of the game. angel, don't you know brian anderson takes any negative, files it down into a sharp object, and immediately starts gouging everybody in the stands with it? so, the first run shouldn't have scored. and then runs 2 and 3 score, it's 3-0, and I had to go in and take care of a few errands.

(cue shopping music)

and, then, I return: "...so that's 3 up, 3 down for the royals, and at the end of 3, it's Baltimore 9, the Royals nothing."

oh, brian anderson, no matter how many times I hear you tell us you know you suck but don't know why, it just makes you wanna...I don't know, fire the pitching coach? sure, that's the ticket! shit's gonna pick up around here now, most definitely. yep. without a doubt. no question..

so, bye john cumberland. I'll miss your grumpy face and apparently ineffective teaching techniques. of course, when you're working with clay, you're not exactly gonna create a sturdy marble masterpiece. what difference does a pitching coach make anyway? ok, watch the pitcher pitch. say, "let's check this out on video. see there? where you threw the ball bad? let's throw it good next time." I mean, I'd imagine a pitching coach ought to have some pretty solid pitching knowledge. did cumberland? who knows. he should be able to effectively work with guys. could cumberland? who knows. in fact, for everything you can come up with, there's no way for those of us sitting at home grinding our way through your kansas city royals' games to really know much of anything about what goes on and how good the coaches are or are not. and even john cumberland's one big moment in the spotlight, the slow, grating walk to the pitcher's mound to say, "hey, what the fuck are you doing?" or "get out" was co-opted by tony pena most of the time.

and, so, with this season stumbling drunk and about to pass out on the sidewalk, we get a new pitching coach, 'ol what's-his-name. I'm bursting with enthusiasm. all I know is that I sure wouldn't want darrell may, brian anderson, and company affecting my job rating.

anyway, i stopped listening after the fourth, then turned it back on later for the ninth, and all i can say is: the royals scored four?

also, juan gonzalez is not dead. but his disability at work sure pays a lot better than mine. jerk.