"...and the Boston Red Sox win the World Series!"

That's enough to make you puke.

a recent post on ye old royalboard.com pointed out that carlos beltran has an opportunity to become one of MLB's few 40/40 guys (40 home runs, 40 stolen bases).

and my question is, how can you possibly like this guy?

let's see, here's his splits for just this year (yes, i know the formatting is fucked up. i'm not fixing it. if you care, you can check it here):

YEAR G AB R H 2B 3B HR RBI BB SO SB CS BA OBP SLG OPS
2004 - AL 69 266 51 74 19 2 15 51 37 44 14 3 .278 .367 .534 .901
2004 - NL 56 210 41 55 12 1 20 44 31 35 19 0 .262 .360 .614 .975

he hits for a poor average this year, especially after the trade, but according to sabermetric thinking, we apparently don't care about that...so, in fewer games and fewer at-bats, he has more home runs and a higher OPS, plus comparable other peripherals. what is it, more effort now that he's out of kansas city? is he happy that he's now on a winning team (ha!)...what?

anyway, who cares? i can't believe that any KC Royals fans would root for this guy. we brought him up, we groomed him, we suffered through the awful sophomore campaign, as well as his lame attitude -- including his gigantic crybaby failure over being asked to report for a rehab assignment (hey, carlos, all we were asking is that you shaped your shit up) -- and waited and waited for him to finally break through, only to see him demand SO MUCH after a couple of years that there was no way in hell we could afford him. it wouldn't bother me to see him go all jermaine dye on us and suffer a season-ending injury. every season.

i don't blame him for wanting to make a lot of money, and i don't blame royals management for not wanting to pay him that ridiculous sum...but where does that leave us as fans? i have no reason to like any of these guys. so, no, i don't wish him continued success.

think about it: mike sweeney is a fan "favorite". yes, I know, a lot of people don't like his lame-ass "good guy" act or his overwhelmingly ridiculous faith in jesus to help his game along. but that's mike sweeney the gigantic dork, for the most part. the other part is the fact that he gets injured every year. multiple times. his hitting is always less than he's capable of because he's NEVER ever 100%. never going to be, either. and, now, he's done for the year.

so, how much did mike sweeney make sitting on the bench last night? $68,000. each night. every night. every game, no matter if he sucks, or if he plays, or if he stays at home in kansas city recuperating. mike sweeney makes more on a "day off" than I hope to make if I get promoted to management at work. mike makes enough during one game to pay off everything I own for the entire year, and still have tens of thousands of dollars left over. and that's one game. there are 161 more games left to completely have every single thing paid for over and over and just massive amounts of money left. mike seems like a nice guy. he's taken advantage of the opportunities presented to him.

he's still a complete, total asshole. just add him to the list. there are thousands of millionaires and billionaires bilking idiots out of their money. and there's always a willing supply of chumps forking over their hard-earned, well-limited funds to watch these guys spit on them repeatedly. mike sweeney makes money because his bosses are willing to pay it. his bosses are willing to pay it because royals fans keep putting money in their pocket, either through going to games, or paying taxes to kansas city, or buying their crappy overpriced merchandise. WHY?

carlos beltran thinks so much of himself – thinks he is SO good – that he deserves $92,600 every game. 162 games a year. for 5-6 years. whether he plays or not. whether he jermaine dye's himself in the first game next year and never plays again. $92,600 to watch baseball on TV like the rest of us chumps. he might – *might* – have enough to pony up $200 for the MLB extra innings package if he budgets well.

this makes me sick. I try not to think about this bullshit. I don't want to be a part of it, and it almost makes me feel ashamed that I continue to support this horrible system. these guys don't care what the fuck happens. management really doesn't care – as long as they don't lose money! WHAT?!? what kind of business is this? where did this idea come in: "It's ok to own a team, as long as I don't lose money on it!" what's that? investing in business isn't a risk? you mean multi-millionaires and billionaires shouldn't have to worry about investing in a high profile, fun business and losing money!? yeah, that's exactly what we should worry about. god forbid these complete horrible assholes don't lose 1/200th of their net worth due to awful stupid decisions they themselves made. so sad. these guys need a fuckin fork in the eyes...and we'll follow that up by jabbing the players with the same utensil.

so, who cares what the royals do? I try not to think about it, because then I won't want to follow it. but why follow it anyway? all the royals care about is whether or not we'll spend more money to see them. really makes you feel good.

well, I've succeeded in making myself sick again.

god bless,
Joe Blow.

hi. ok, royal blues is not dead.

that's about the best I can say. to be honest with you loyal royal types (the two of you that might still check in here): are you following this team? how closely? to make myself sound as I don't want to sound, I'll still say: as I get a little older, and have followed them for a little longer, I realize that the amount of energy I've invested in this losing team year after year listening to complete crap just isn't worth the dwindling amount of time I have available now that I've truly been a full-time member of the working force for a few years now. I mean, I love the royals, I truly do. but, sometimes, it's a losing proposition. I didn't think it would happen to me, but in some ways, it has.

I mean, to either date myself or prove what a kid I am or whatever, I'll say: I just had my 25th birthday last weekend. my presents: a royal blue hooded sweatshirt (that says "royals" on the front) from my girlfriend and a royal blue jacket (that says "royals" on the front) from my mom. something tells me the people closest to me somehow know I'm a huge royals fan. no one really knows why, but the knowledge that I just somehow never give up on these chumps has been burned into just about everyone that knows me.

and the main question *is*, "why?"

well, why do you love these guys? mine has most to do with 1) I'm from kansas city 2) I'm a baseball fan 3) you have to root for your hometown team! it's that simple. I mean, my mom thinks it has to do with my grandma being a huge royals fan, and I don't doubt that's true, too. she's the one that took me to many games when I was little. but, playing baseball (and basketball) when I was a kid, I always looked up to my local teams – royals, missouri tigers, chiefs..it's just...what other teams are you gonna root for? you can't just pick and choose. you can't decide who you like based on who's good. and any royals fans know this. but, as easy as it is for people who either hopped on a bandwagon because a team always contends or happened to be born in a storied, large-market team's city to laugh at fans of a now perpetually hopeless cause like the royals, it just ingrains it deeper. you can't give up on a team. you can hate it when everyone who makes fun of the team hops back on when they start winning, but you still can't give up on them. I mean, last year (2003) when the royals were winning and on top of the division, I went to fewer games than I'd been to in four or five seasons. I loved the team just as much as ever – in fact, I lived and breathed every game – but something about the people giving me shit for liking a bunch of losers suddenly being hyped to go to the games rubbed me wrong. but I guess that's the plight of every winning team's old fans. yeah, I haven't been there from the beginning, but I'm as old a fan as I can be. you can't wish for much else.

and, so, it's sad to watch this team. it's hard to watch them make bad moves. it's hard to watch them relegated to flipping coins into a fountain, wishing that the guys dropped by the absolute worst teams will convert themselves into diamonds. it's sad to watch professionals play defense like the dummies on my (old) softball team. it's awful to both listen to the team hype pitcher after pitcher, and then watch pitcher after pitcher both run themselves and the team into the ground. I, just...I like allard baird right now. I didn't at first, but I do now. but he still hasn't figured out exactly what he's doing. listen to ryan lefebvre and fred white tonight. I like ryan; I don't like fred. but they both love david eckstein, a guy sabermetric guys would tell you isn't a good player, doesn't belong on a major league squad, and all that. but, like they're saying (and I'm not vouching for david eckstein, let me say that – I don't know a lot about him), "he just knows how to play". seriously, fuck tools. fuck "potential". you can watch guys, and see if they know how to play. if they make the right decisions, and know what they're doing at the plate or on the mound or in the field. those are the guys you want. unfortunately – and I mean, yes, it takes a special type of talent to succeed at the major league level, but we're assuming the high minor-league guys at least have the potential, or they wouldn't be there – why is kansas city stocked with guys at pretty much every position that just don't get it? guys that can't read pitches and know nothing about cut-off men and can't change speeds for the life of them and can't keep their head in *every* game? there's something wrong. there's something wrong with the training staff, and there's something wrong with the manager, and there's something wrong with our player / personnel people, but, honestly, our players just plain don't know how to play. and we have no one who can teach it to them AT ALL. so, for this season, I just can't invest myself in listening to every subtle nuance of the complete stupidity of this team.

but, anyway, I'll try to be back to actually offer up suggestions on how this team can get better. at some point.

later.

your pal,
Joe Blow.

well, I wasn't quite as eloquent as I anticipated in the last post. throw some cheap liquor in front of a disgruntled royals fan and sit him down in front of a computer...and that's what you get.
anyway, my basic point was, well, a few things:

1) sabermetrics are not the end-all be-all. I was interested in seeing what they were all about before all the furor exploded over the last couple of years, but as I looked into it, it just seemed that some of these guys are trying too hard and laying claim to too much. sure, there are benefits to looking at more than just the basic stats like batting average, RBIs, wins, etc – but that's obvious. intelligent baseball fans have known that for many, many years. the fact that there are people making decisions for major league squads that don't seem particularly adept at making good decisions shouldn't be surprising. look around at the place you work – how many people above you do you think make great decisions all the time? the fact is, people can rank very high in command and still not be qualified to hold that position. much has been made of the saber-GMs making their way into the ranks in a few MLB franchises, and it's been proclaimed that these sabermetric ideas are just now really "catching on" in major league baseball. but it's pretty silly if you think about it: the most basic ones – getting on base, getting a lot of extra base hits, don't get thrown out stealing a lot, strike out a lot of guys – come on people, these are revelations? a lot of the stats are so convoluted and context-dependant that they go against themselves from year to year. royals stadium moved the fences in some parts of the park back TEN FEET, and suddenly the park goes from one of the highest scoring parks to one of the toughest to score runs in? oriole park at camden yards changes nothing and completely reverses roles? how can you draw any meaningful inferences from the park factors the last couple of years? seriously? it's easy to sum up numbers and provide analysis of who kicked ass and who sucked in the past. the problem is baseball teams have to project it into the future, guarantee millions, and hope when all the baseball geeks sit around at the end of the next few seasons, they're not looking at that team's players and saying, "wow, what an idiot, they totally blew it signing this guy. this team is being run into the ground."

2) baseball decisions aren't made through a cold, hard look at numbers. if so, wouldn't the royals still have an outfield of ibanez / beltran / dye (not including johnny damon cause I hate him...I hate dye, too, but I think he'd still be here) right now instead of brown / dejesus / mateo? don't you think the minnesota twins would have rather had a couple years of mark prior already than an injury-plagued season of joe mauer? and don't tell me the twins wouldn't have taken prior if they could have. the thing is, it's pretty easy to look at some guys and accurately predict they're gonna kick ass. and, for every guy you can do that for, the royals rank somewhere in the 30's in "order of preference" for that player. unless it's mike sweeney, which a lot of royals fans feel good about hating. it's easier for fans of other teams to chide a team like the royals for not spending as much money as them than it is for fans of those teams to admit that it's just not fair to expect that. they'll bring up the A's and the Twins and the Marlins. what do those teams have in common? they caught lightning in a bottle, with a lot of young players all turning in good seasons at the same time. they didn't just get solid seasons from a couple of key players and mediocre performances from the rest – they got it from enough players to make it count. it's really a pretty fine line from poor team to decent contender, and a couple of players truly can make a difference. the royals haven't found that at the same time the past few years. remember, back in 1990, KC had the HIGHEST payroll in the major leagues – yep, $23,873,745. the next year, Oakland had the highest paid team. now they're considered the bottom suckers, though oakland not so much so anymore. but it's completely out of fuckin control, and the fact that a couple of teams have managed to be good for a couple of years due to their players being too young to be making the amount of money comparable to their production speaks much more to luck than to a particular strategy's success. like I said last time, imagine oakland had drafted kyle snyder instead of barry zito in 1999, or the twins picking dee brown instead of jacque jones in 1996. sometimes players work out, and sometimes they don't. but a lot of times it's not fair to fault the decisions after you already know the conclusion. likewise, deifying people after they're successful is a heck of a lot easier than knowing they've done well at the time the decisions were made. rob neyer completely chastised allard baird for letting raul ibanez put on a royals uniform at all – I'd say that worked out pretty well. almost everybody at baseballprospectus considered carlos pena a can't-miss, oakland-superstar in-the-bag guy, yet oakland later shipped him off to detroit, where he's been quietly average. what – the magical A's couldn't groom him into a superstar? what happened? erubiel durazo was another favorite. he's having a pretty good season for oakland at age 29. according to a lot of sabermetric guys, he's over the hump and going downhill. he makes $2,100,000 this year. that would make him the 5th highest paid player on the royals -- behind sweeney (good), gonzalez (prick), randa (gone after this year), anderson (bust), and santiago (not very useful). will he make more next season? yes. though, current "wisdom" says he's "undervalued" in the saber-market. as soon as he makes more: he's overvalued. he'll he'll be 3 years past 27 next year! it get stupid. he'll be useful, but as a mostly immobile first-baseman / DH, his contribution will be REPLACEABLE at best. pretty much every player is replaceable in saber-world. if a baseball analyst makes prediction after prediction, they'll fail, they'll succeed, and they'll get a couple draws. it doesn't matter. if a baseball GM does that, it'll cost 'em millions, their team – which has a small shot of winning anyway – most likely won't make one of the 8 playoff spots, it'll be a "total failure", and every decision they made that didn't turn out awesome will be pointed to as proof of incompetence. stats guys – maybe you should keep a running total of your failed predictions, too...we'll judge your numbers at the end of the season, maybe cut you for a rookie making the minimum, and laugh at anybody willing to take you on, since you're obviously "replaceable" for cheap.

3) don't any of these stat guys care about anything except offense? I know, there are defensive metrics out there, but they're not given near enough weight. and, yes, I know "THE OAKLAND A'S ARE DEVELOPING NEW DEFENSIVE METRICS." I don't know that you'll ever be able to judge defense by numbers. you just have to watch guys. that's the only way to know. and, honestly, I think a brilliant defensive guy like rey sanchez at least used to be is worth more than he's given credit for. his contract demand after leaving the royals was silly, but playing sparkling defense and hitting an "empty" .280 contributes more than current thinking would lead you to believe.

4) the most undervalued player trait: intelligence. unfortunately, the most athletically gifted guys are usually some of the dumbest, and EVERY TEAM IN BASEBALL values athletic gifts over intelligence. so it is..

* * * * * *

I went to the royals game on Friday night, watching them lose to cleveland 7-6 in 11 innings. it was an unexpected experience – first of all, 32,000 people were there when it was all said and done, about 20,000 more than was there at first pitch. we moved from the hy-vee view level to the old G.A. seats, and were fortunate enough to pick two seats pretty far back that happened not to be taken, as just about every other seat around us filled in. the game was bleak at first, as brian anderson was announced as the starting pitcher. and then he pitched. down 5-0 early, the royals battled back, tying the game, before giving up a run in the 8th. then came the 9th... with dejesus on second and two out, we cheered. a wild pitch sent him to third and, as we secretly wished for another, randa walked...and then (and then...ah ah!) sweeney ripped a double down the left field line on the first pitch. unfortunately, joe randa had an extra helping of gravy in the clubhouse before the game, which slowed him down and took an "OH MY GOD, WE JUST WON IT!!" excitement down to a "how in the world did he get thrown out?!? oh yeah, it's joe randa..." feeling within a couple seconds. they absolutely should have sent him, but they also could have maybe possibly thought about pinch-running for him – since desi relaford (who had pinch-hit earlier in the inning) came in to play defense for him in the 10th anyway. then the royals almost coughed up a run on a wild pitch in the 10th, as the ball bounced off buck and sailed HIGH in the air – only to see him run it down, flip to cerda, and record an out in one breathtaking moment. breathtaking because we had all already used it cussing up a storm as the ball floated high in the air towards the backstop. I was VERY surprised at the way the royals fans in attendance stayed *loud* and into the game. they were very excited. I mean, it was buck night and fireworks night, but everyone was into the game. and then the royals lost, and we nodded our heads with expectedness.

Saturday, I went to a t-bones game. this was the first t-bones game I'd ever been to, and, honestly, I can't say I was too impressed. this was definitely minor league, from the game to the "entertainment" to the crowd. the only thing not minor league is the prices – these guys realize they're nobodies and they suck, right? the tickets were only a little lower than the royals, and the merchandise was just as much. not a chance I'm buying that shit. the game was full of sloppy offense and miserable defense and, seriously, pitchers *I* could hit. I happened to get a seat in the second row directly behind home plate – and thank god for nylon nets, or else I would have taken a line drive directly in the face – but I was able to read the pitches in plenty of time to know where they were going. I thought it was really neat to be able to sit in that spot and so close to the game, since I will never, ever get that opportunity at a royals game, but I wasn't impressed with the pitching. the highest anyone got was 86 (very rarely), and most pitches topped out at about 82 on a fastball. not to mention that half of the pitchers were sidearmers, and that almost every hitter bats about .235. the t-bones have one big boy, eddie pearson, who most definitely won't play for them next year, as he can certainly hit. not sure about his fielding since he was a DH Saturday, though I'm sure he's a first baseman. but, as long as he can actually catch a ball, he's got a leg up on most of the guys. what do these guys do when baseball season is over? they have to have shitty jobs, as playing for the t-bones surely couldn't pay the bills all year, and what job's gonna give you every summer off to play minor-minor league baseball? they have to know there's absolutely no future in pro baseball for any of 'em, right? watching this game was like watching one of my softball games – most teams don't go out and win the game so much as they wait for the other team to screw up. this was no different. anyway, the t-bones eventually won 9-4, the between-innings "entertainment" was horrifically awful, not only were the fireworks lame but they left the freakin' ballpark lights on for the grounds crew, everything cost just as much as a royals game, and "free parking" means you park in an unmowed field.

so, it's back to the K for me..

the royals break out ZPG again.

god I hate this team.

in fact, here goes:


I hate you, MLB.

you are the absolute worst sport to follow. measure yourself up. pick anyone, I don't care.

let's go through a few laughable solutions:

NFL: these guys have shoved so many boots in your ass, it's just painful to watch. hey, the giants just gave eli manning (i.e. ASSHOLE) a $20 million signing bonus! and, sadly, that's another foot in your ass! because, see, if the giants spend way too much money on a pampered, spoiled brat that doesn't work out, well, that's money they didn't get to spend on other positions. if the yankees spend way too much money on a pampered, spoiled brat that doesn't work out...that's just lost money! but they can buy another for reserve. I mean, another four in reserve! there's absolutely zero penalty.

NBA: same deal. say someone like, oh, L.A. manages to luck out and score up a big name, high-priced free agent. we'll call him SHAQUILLE O'NEAL. well, they obviously can't compete with a huge market powerhouse team like miami, right? so they're *forced* to trade off their superstar SHAQUILLE O'NEAL (and his salary!) once a contract year hits...it's just a travesty. a small-market like L.A. just can't keep the people they develop. they're stuck with leftover scrubs like KOBE BRYANT and the like. wait, what's that? every team in the league can afford big-name free agents pretty much any season as long as they're not complete salary morons?!? what a concept!

do I even have to go on? MLB is the stupidest goddamn league ever in existence. I guess they think that just because their "product" is the "best", they don't have to worry about shit ever. keep things going on as however they go on, and it's, uh, great!

fuck it. I hate MLB, I already hated most of the teams, and I'm almost really starting to hate the royals. and, it's not even the royals so much as hating being a royals fan. there's no chance. and, what little chance there might have been, the "moneyball" "revolution" (and I use "revolution" in very RIDICULOUS quotes) have pretty much ruined any chance a "small-market" team had.

look at it like this: what the fuck is a small-market major league baseball franchise? as far as market size, kansas city is the smallest. do they lose $20 million a year? not a fuckin chance. but that's another argument.

do they bring in a LOT less money than a market like new york or boston? absolutely. is there ANY REASON WHATSOEVER why these teams shouldn't be able to spend the exact same amount of money? not at all. not a fuckin chance. there is absolutely ZERO reason WHATSOEVER that a team in the same league playing the same caliber of teams shouldn't have equal footing to make the same decisions and same mistakes than any team can make.

yet, MLB is fucked beyond belief and stupid as shit.

they say there's no problem with this. a team in a MASSIVELY bigger market bringing in MANY TIMES the revenue of other teams can spend, and spend, and spend at will, and, shit, why the fuck can't you beat them? oakland managed to win a little against slightly similar teams, and minnesota managed to squeak out victories against teams that spend like they do, and...ya know what, fuck it. moneyball fucked fans of teams like the royals in a lot of ways.

here's how it goes:

oakland wins because of three reasons:
1) mark mulder
2) tim hudson
3) barry zito

and, no, I don't even care that barry zito has said before that his favorite band is NOFX, who was my favorite band until I was like 18 or 19. while cool, he's fucked the royals over, so that's little consolation. I read before (and it seems impossible to find a link now, so you just have to trust me =) ) that the oakland A's were planning on choosing Kyle Snyder (RHP, Royals disabled list) in the 1999 draft, had the royals not taken him 2 spots before. I think it was perpetual bandwagon hoppers Rob & Rany that said it before most prominently, although their running archive is amazingly not available...crazy, huh?! anyway, say the a's had taken snyder...then the "big three" would have been the "big two", and no one would have even bothered to concoct that nickname, since the a's would have had two good pitchers and a bunch of shit, seeing as how snyder would have been perpetually injured in any organization (please don't blame HIM on the royals)...and, then, the a's would have proven the DIVISION-WINNING difference between having two dominant pitchers and three. landing zito after snyder spawned a whole generation of misguided baseball "minds" that will inevitable idolize guys that, while seemingly smart, can't compete with squads that can simply buy players that everyone knows is good, rather than try to scrape "unknown" guys that will contribute just as well. by letting in on any sort of "secrets" (if you really believe that), these so-called "moneyball" teams will find themselves consistently at the bottom of the pile, as teams that can actually spend money will now buy players who have supposedly been scientifically "proven" to excel. basically, hey, thanks guys for evaluating players based on more criteria for us, now we will buy them instead of you.

basically, here's how it works:

– the royals draft someone that turns out to be good

team: "we certainly hope they can help us compete in the near future.."
experts: "the royals farm system has turned up some quality players who are expected to fill in well at the big-league level. this farm system is STOCKED.."
the royals: "there is certainly a learning curve. we are in a rebuilding mode."

the royals don't win 75% of their games..

experts: "the royals system is COMPLETELY DEVOID OF TALENT."
royals: "we are bringing up so-and-so to replace so-and-so, to see if so-and-so is ready for the majors...if not, so-and-so will contribute next year."
other teams: "here's some bubble gum and a smack in the face. now give us your player that's proven he is actually good at this level."
royals: "we really expect the bubble gum to compete at the major league level within the next two years."
royals fans: "why the fuck can't we possibly keep one fuckin player who we already know is good?"
other royals fans: "we kept the one guy who was good. everyone sucks around him, but he STILL doesn't win. maybe we can get rid of his successful ass for a couple guys that we have no idea if they'll ever possibly contribute at the AA level, let alone the major leagues. they're cheaper anyway.."
royals: "we have traded the guy that represented any semblance of a chance we had as a winner, much like the guys before him that could have helped us compete, to some team that actually spends money and sent us crap and PLEASE STILL GO TO THE GAMES, because otherwise our super-rich multi-millionaire owner may have to claim he's losing money on a venture that's entirely money-making any way you look at it...ok, he will anyway. but he would like to see us win, you know? he's in now way willing to spend any money at all to buy a winner, but he would sure like it if he could spend almost ZERO and have the team win and have suckers fans come out and see the WINNING team. remember winning? do you? ownership would sure like to see these scrubs win something, for sure..
MLB: "look, some other team got lucky as they happened to scrape through horrible season after horrible season to bring up like 3 guys that can play decently at the same time, which means they magically made it to the playoffs, which makes MLB smile because we can claim that your sorry ass team that spends less than 1/5 of what other teams spend should be able to beat them regularly apparently...as long as you make good offseason moves, of course! no, don't pay attention to that massively high-priced guy going to one of the teams that spends 500% more than you. you want to be contracted?!"

god, I'm getting too tired and a little bit too tipsy to keep going. basically, the royals will supposedly never be able to afford SHIT. it'll have to be cheap-o rookie shit or nothing. baseball gets stupider and stupider, and the dumb mother fuckers that buy into everything baseballprospectus and all yer sabermetric worshippers/authors write are fucking this game even more. you know it's crap, right? you can create just about any "metric" to prove whatever you want. no, I don't agree with a dumbfuck like buster olney's "productive outs", but there is such a thing. yes, joe morgan is a GIGANTIC idiot in just about everything that ever comes out of his mouth, but there *is* some value in old-time baseball evaluation. sadly, people like simple answers and one solution from one source, so even if they think they're on the cutting edge of analysis, they're still swiping their analysis from people that don't exactly have it right. which is how billy beane can get judged a genius, even though all he really did was luck into three dominant starting pitchers. let's see the oakland a's minus one or two of those jerks, assuming the other teams in the division haven't completely dismantled. then billy beans probably won't look like wanking material to so many "sabermetric" guys.

anyway, forget about the royals the rest of this year. or next year. or the next year. we'll never been allowed to spend money or pick up people. good people. or keep good people. it's horrifically awful.

I hate MLB. more later.

heya...you still around? well, Royal Blues has obviously been on an extended break here. unintentionally. but, you know, sayin' something is sayin' something and...it's been awful quiet lately.

is there anything actually interesting about this team right now? I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say no. in fact, a couple nights ago I had to pick someone up from the airport, and I decided I'd rather listen to cd's there and back rather than the royals game that was on that night. you know things have gotten pretty bad when that happens.

anyway, uh, while I was gone the royals won some and lost some and I think some guys got some hits and other nights they pretty much didn't and...I'm not even gonna guess that there were any good pitching performances. I still pay some attention, you know?

but I certainly plan on getting this little site back on track and updated regularly. uh, after this weekend. I'm not sure I have any interest in trying to keep it updated daily or anything, but I definitely plan on having more words here. and that is all the excitement I can promise when it comes to the royals.

well, ok.

it was a good game. for a while. and then it wasn't, but, you know, we'll always have the first five innings.

backing up a bit..

I arrived extra super early to find that nobody felt like taking batting practice today. thanks guys. I sure am glad kauffman opens 2 hours early on weekends instead of 1 ½ hours. really worked out well.

I did get in on the shirts, though. X-large and medium. quite an array of choices. I'll see what I can do to shrink that XL on down to an L, I suppose. though the mediums were totally a better shade of "powder blue".

so, with nothing upon nothing to provide entertainment at kauffman for two hours, I wandered
aimlessly around. just wandered. around. here. and there. around again. there's tha...oh, seen it before. hey, wha...oh, nevermind. as much as I like kauffman, the entertainment options are definitely lacking. I think its biggest problem is also what kind of makes it a nice facility – there's absolutely nothing around it. though, amazingly, it still gets to be a gigantic clusterfuck to get in and out of with only a small number of people. that's what's disappointing.  there are no little restaurants or bars or, I don't know, arcades or anything, as the stadiums are a gigantic entity unto themselves. yet the traffic crew can't get people in and out in any sort of sensible pattern, and I always have to take a mystical journey all the way around arrowhead when the parking lot I'm trying to get to is, seriously, a baseball's throw away. I'm assuming the parking lot people quit after pretty much every game and they have to get an entirely new staff in 24 hours.  because that's the only thing that keeps me from making a mess when my head explodes after yet another parking person mindlessly thumbs right and waves towards their face while jawing with another of the orange-jacketed automatons.

this is not, however, an endorsement for a downtown baseball stadium. yes, downtown is dead as shit, and I would love to see it revitalized with something. just not the royals. on my way to the stadium, I got stuck in downtown traffic – at 9:30 A.M. on a Saturday. downtown is always stuck. the royals don't need downtown. they just need to come up with better stuff than
their nothing.

as far as the game, I got stuck sitting in front of this group of college-aged, drinking, cussing, church-going dorks. who never shut up. it was a weird combination that proved super annoying. my god.

the royals looked lost on offense. they were totally off-balance the entire day. gobble did pretty well, but after shutting the twins out through five, pitched a ROYALS (tm) 6th inning, complete with a couple doubles and a couple home runs. all bunched together. amazing how other
teams are always better at that than us.

well, ok, it's hard to bunch 1 hit. but we did have a run finally roll across the plate, and, hey, we made a couple errors, so we at least didn't have that ugly 0 at the end of our box score! yep, 1-1-2.

anyway, the shirts are big.

woah, the last couple mornings have been a little weird here at the Royal Blues factory. a blown gasket here, a hydraulic leak there – it's amazing how many pieces it takes to keep this machine crankin'. of course, it doesn't help when the input I've been given seems so unreliable. take this for example:

Royals 3, Twins 1

I mean, look at this crap – solid pitching, effective bullpen, outscoring the opponent – how can I possibly be expected to get good, reliable output when this is what I've been given to work with? I mean, there are some tell-tale signs that it's not all mixed up, that's there's some actual royals data somewhere in there. there's the potentially costly error in the ninth. or scoring 2 in the first and still only scoring 3 for the game. but I'm afraid I won't be able to give an accurate report on this royals game until I get the real information.

and then, as I was warming up the machine today, I realized it wasn't just a one-time shipping error by my supplier. look at this:

Royals 12, Twins 3

needless to say, I've switched my business to someone who can give me kansas city royals information. I think someone's just went through and colored in whatever he wants:

"dee brown? have him hit a grand slam. aaaand, how about he comes up with the bases loaded in three innings in a row. not the sonic slam inning, though. that'd be funny. mike sweeney? give him another three hits. no, make that four. darrell may? another strong outing! ha ha ha, now were gettin' crazy! desi relaford? home run! I haven't gone too far now, have I? oh well, no one reads these things anyway.."

therefore, in the interest of collecting an accurate set of data, I am going to make an appearance in person at the game today. what's that? no, this has nothing to do with me happening upon that set of company tickets that was floating around this week. yes, this is totally for business purposes. honest! and, unlike "stolen base pillow" night at the K last year, I plan on not getting
stuck in ridiculous "winning royals" traffic and missing out. let's see, I've packed my tire slashers, my oil slick, my smokescreen, umm...oh yes, even the "go-go gadget" wheels. yep, I'd say that's just about everything all right..

"ALL"-"STAR" rambling..

Royals Win 2 Out of 3 in Baltimore
(ed: Joe, check the source on this)

Darrell May Pitches a Shutout
(ed: Joe, what are you doing here? please be serious.)

Royals Shut Out Until 9th Inning
(Joe: ed, is this better? OPG!)

Royals Score 11 in Series Finale Victory
(ed: Joe, please, people take this seriously..)

* * * * * *

oops, guess I took a couple days longer than I planned on. this team isn't exactly the most inspiring team to write about right now, though I did intend something for the "all"-"star" break. nothing doing, obviously.

anyway, on Tuesday we had our company outing, where we all went and stunk it up at golf. I've quickly learned this year that I hate golf. so about hole #9, I started drinking some beers, after which I played exactly the same. upon returning home, I continued, and figured, what better way to get pissed off than watching the all-star game at the same time...so, here it is, a day late, but here anyway. enjoy!

* * * * * *

on to the "all"-"star" game:

the taco bell pitching guy: seriously, what was that guy throwing? the "girl ball"? the "puss ball"? wait, he threw like a total complete pre-pubescent girl and won a million dollars? I'm speechless..

though I could go for some taco bell.

ok, my quick, first-come words on the "all-stars" and / or why they were chosen:

AL reserve coaches:

tony pena: token
carlos tosca: foreign

players:

francisco rodriguez: world series
miguel tejada: big contract
david ortiz: high profile team
curt schilling: high profile / big contract
esteban loiaza: last year
matt lawton: he's here?
ron belliard: eh?
jake westbrook: who? uh..
victor martinez: I've heard he's doing good..
cc sabathia: are the indians doing that well? seriously, what the fuck?
carlos guillen: shortstop's weak again.
ken harvey: SWINGIN'.
joe nathan: hahaha, twins suck.
gary sheffield: dick.
javier vasquez: dick.
tom gordon: dick.
mariano rivera: dick.
hideki matsui: dick.
tim hudson: just wait till the A's can't afford good pitchers..
carl crawford: good crowd response. weird.
hank blalock: good press.
michael young: what, did matt lawton bring him?
francisco cordero: stowaway.
kenny rogers: "you painted up your lips and rolled and curled your tinted hair.."
ted lilly dude, poor guy. that announcer totally gave him a down voice, like he was the very last guy that absolutely didn't belong. I mean, he sucks on my starting rotation in my playstation game, but he made the all-star game, didn't he?

NL reserve coaches:

clint hurdle: the rockies do something good?
jimy williams: hahahaha, the hometown totally hates their manager.

players:

randy johnson: asshole
johnny estrada: hi.
moises alou: tinkle.
carlos zambrano: good press.
barry larkin: old man.
sean casey: good press.
danny graves: please, introduce yourself..
todd helton: "I love colorado!"
mike lowell: "we won the world series!"
miguel cabrera: "that's right! don't forget me in my contract year!"
carl pavano: "I'm here, too."
armando benitez: "I'm not roberto hernandez, I'm not jose mesa, I'm not arthur rhodes...I am ARMANDO BENITEZ. ok?"
carlos beltran: FUCK YOU CARLOS.
paul loduca: see, he's good in my PS2 game..
eric gagne: "I'm here again."
ben sheets: "I make $3.50 an hour...plus tips. god bless you bud selig."
dan kolb: "my last name starts with 'k'. jayson stark: pay attention to what I do, in case it's unusual for a 'k' guy, oK?"
livan hernandez: "yeah yeah, I'm here too.."
tom glavine: traitor.
jim thome: traitor.
bobby abreu: "look ma, I made it! please don't blink!"
jack wilson: "remember my name! oh, it's just like 1,000,000,000,000 others'.."
mark loretta: a guy that deserves to go? I'm confused?
jason schmidt: "fuck roger clemens. ass."

starting manager AL:
joe torre: "yep, I'm here."

players:

ichiro: wuss.
IROD: $$$ ass.
vlad guerrero: $$$ ass.
manny ramirez: $$$ ass.
AROD: $$$ ass.
jason giambi: $$$ ass.
derek jeter: I hate this man more than I hate just about any person EVER.
alfonso soriano: "how do I not break when I hit the ball?"
mark mulder: "just wait till the A's can't afford me.."

starting manager NL:

jack mckeon: "hi!"

players:

edgar renteria: "I play for st. louis."
albert pujols: "do I even play first base?"
barry bonds: die.
scott rolen: $$$ ass.
sammy sosa: you want me to save this wine cork for ya? dumbass.
mike piazza: is he jack or will? you decide!
lance berkman: "I play for houston!"
jeff kent: "and you thought mike sweeney was a dork!"
roger clemens: he's right there below jeter. ASS.

first thing: as far as this roger clemens / mike piazza thing...roger clemens is a complete asshole, and mike piazza is obviously gay. unfortunately, piazza is too gay for his own good, because he's totally taken it from roger clemens throughout this entire ordeal. it would be awesome if he completely refused to catch him, or caught the ball and charged the mound, or stabbed the guy through the neck, or...oh, uh, hey! anyway, um, piazza: stop being so gay. kick his pasty, turncoat, money-grubbing, childish mother-fucker ass.

fantasia's national anthem: good lord. that girl is annoying on top of annoying. can I stick Q-tips completely through her head a couple of times? cause that's about how I feel. on good days, at least..

muhammad ali: I thought he was put into cold storage like ronald reagan until he died. the all-stars closing in on him in some sort of faux "show of respect" was totally ridiculous. I hate those guys.


the announcers are gay, can we just get that out of the way? they're totally lame, it's not even worth commenting on. probably. oh, I'm sure they'll say something eventually that I can't stand and I'll say something. but, I try not to pay attention, so...you know..

Top 1st
Ichiro: double off the wall. sosa has no clue how to play it.
I. Rodriguez: triple off the wall. sosa has no clue how to play it.
V. Guerrero: combacker to the mound. clemens plays it like he TOTALLY had I-ROD at his mercy, like he was possibly gonna turn and whip it to third – posturing like a total asshole that manages to convince every baseball writer he had a chance – and weakly throws to first.
M. Ramirez: laces a home run. yee haw.
A. Rodriguez: you think clemens promised him some sweet sweet lovin' for making him look at least a little bit better on TV by striking out? odds say: yes!
J. Giambi: bounces once to uber-dork Jeff Kent, who's too busy worrying about whether roger clemens loves his mustache to field it cleanly. clemens winks at A-ROD to convince him he's the only one..
D. Jeter: HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE meekly slaps a single into right field. HATE.
A. Soriano: launches a home run! dude's scrawny, I must say. clemens retracts his promise of sweet lovin'. A-ROD grins.
M. Mulder: why the fuck is this guy batting? this is stupid. all you can hope is he nails clemens in the forehead...and they never get the ball back..

*Danny Kolb is getting loose*
his only all-star mention, probably ever..

Mulder strikes out. Clemens kisses McKeon.
End Top 1st, AL 6, NL coming up..

E. Renteria: ground out to third. wow.
A. Pujols: doubles to center. yep.
B. Bonds: you know why people walk bonds? #1, because he's on drugs. #2, because he's a moron and it gets to him. #3, because he's on drugs and a moron. #4, because the rest of his team sucks. but, pretty much 99% of it is the fact that he's on drugs and a moron, and on drugs, and...what a dumbass. enjoy your shrunken testicles, freak..
oh yeah, his BALCO-less arms pop out weakly to center.
S. Rolen: "I only like playing for winners! pay me!" oh yeah, we already did the player intros...
Rolen is hit in the butt. Roger clemens volunteers to investigate for the medical staff..
S. Sosa: pops his cork in half while hitting a pop-up to right. Vlad Guerrero has no idea how to play it. NL scores one. Roger Clemens pats everyone on the butt.
M. Piazza: strikes out. he's consoled tenderly.
Clemens leaves his shower-stall # for him on his batting helmet.
End bottom 1st, AL 6, NL 1

Top 2nd
Danny Kolb now pitching. hopefully, roger clemens is dead.

Ichiro: bounces to first. we'll call him: Slapman.
I-ROD: single to center. A-ROD looks at clemens and gets nervous over another guy with "rod" in his name.
V. Guerrero: if all was right with baseball, there's no way he would have left montreal. but baseball is stupid, it's fucked, and these guys are pre-determined all-stars who can pick winners WITH MONEY at will. well, the "WITH MONEY" part has a lot to do with the "winners" part. more on that another time..
anyway, he pops to center. sit down.
*Loiaza warms in the bullpen* whoopee.
M. Ramirez: the announcers blab on and on about the red sox playing the yankees and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah who cares shut up shut up.
ramirez grounds out like a girl to short.
End Top 2nd, AL 6, NL 1

Bottom 2nd
L. Berkman: I can't keep track of who the astros trade and keep and play and move or anything...whatever, guy bounces to first. later.
jeff kent: what a loser. unfortunately, bonds would totally give him some lovin like clemens gives catchers if he was back in the giants lineup.
lovin aside, he lines out to 2nd. maybe he can do some motorcycle tricks in the dugout between innings!
b. larkin:
announcer: "some of you folks out there may not be familiar with mark mulder." what? you watch baseball? he's only every baseball stat guy's wet dream. they lap his every movement up everywhere, sabermetric or not. just wait 'till his contract's up, and see how much "moneyball" he buys into. ok, he won't, and they know that...but let's see them replace him. come on, oakland. do it! that's what everyone is waiting for..
larkin grounds to short third as A-ROD cuts in front and unnecessarily leaps in the air to throw the ball. joe buck drools. clemens licks his lips.
End bottom 2nd, AL 6, NL 1

Top 3rd
Randy Johnson in to pitch. Please, someone, lodge a ball in that face, would ya? dick.
A-ROD: clemens adjusts his cup claps his hands for his former teammate and soon-to-be yankee randy johnson. he hopes johnson doesn't get the best so he doesn't have to spread his loving to 'ol ditch-face either.
johnson wins.
clemens grimaces.

wait, did I just see a super-gay cartoon animation of a completely fake slider? did roger clemens draw it? who approved this?

J. Giambi: single.
D. Jeter: HATE. singles. die.
giambi wobbles into second, too weak to complete the trek to third. he asks for some BALCO, but instead receives clemens' cup. he accepts.
A. Soriano: singles right past renteria. what, defense is lame or something?
giambi waddles into third. he may have lost all his muscle mass, but he sure didn't get skinny. dumbass.
KEN HARVEY: PINCH HITS FOR M. MULDER. THANK YOU FOR COMPLETELY WASTING OUR GUY IN THE THIRD INNING WITH THE ONLY POSSIBILITY BEING THAT HE WILL BAT ONCE AND DIE.
unless he's gonna pitch. that would rule.
no, he strikes out. you represented us well, ken.
Ichiro: for the THIRD TIME. god fuckin dammit, no. can they die at the same time? no, instead, ichiro spiders away from an actual strike. please, slap something somewhere. we LOVE it. cause you're totally japanese, ya know?
ichiro slaps it to first.
End top 3rd, AL 6, NL 1

bottom 3rd
Esteban Loiaza now pitching. I thought they shot him after last season, since he was never gonna get any better..

E. Renteria: grounds out to third. A-ROD, again, leaves his feet like a puss.
A. Pujols: grounds to the mound. k.
B. Bonds: walks. swing the bat, retard!! you get calls cause you're totally gonna roid rage on an umpire if he calls it bad. and get that stupid fuckin cross-earring out of your ear! dipshit..

old man mccarver is whining about intentional walks, because he has no clue about actual strategy. "I remember back blah blah blah" "how could they do that" "blah blah blah" shut up.
S. rolen: base hit. so?
S. Sosa: this guy's just a dumbass. he gets caught doing something that really doesn't help you anyway, he only has a sense of humor when his translator comes up with something, and, basically, he's a total retard. his defense sucks, his grasp of things is poor, and basically the only thing that should come out of his mouth is, "I am sammy sosa." still better than bonds.
anyway, sosa corks out to second.
end bottom 3rd, AL 6, NL 1

*AND NOW...I'm tired of following the game batter by batter.*
in fact, that Taco Bell "girl toss" event earlier has inspired me to get some food. at wendy's.

wait, giambi just said to bonds: "love you too, baby."

I'm getting dinner.

* * * * *

so, I come back and bud selig is totally making out with roger clemens. what the fuck? houston gets to host their 2nd all-star game in 18 years, and all of the sudden anything goes? get this asshole off my screen! seriously!

those idiots from wendy's forgot my freakin nuggets! PUT IT ALL IN THE SAME FUCKIN BAG. still like them better than jeter.

that gay cartoon is back. seriously, do you think anybody that doesn't watch baseball is watching this? no, they hate it. plus, the animations are completely stupid. I'm sure roger clemens is at least executive producer.

you think johnny estrada's nickname is "paunch" because his last name is estrada? joe buck? shut up!! there's no coincidence to their nicknames being the same!

anyway, game goes on, complete assholes grope each other while blabbing about what an honor it is to feel each other up. joe buck longs for the day he'll get to do it, too. tim mccarver remembers his name. he smiles.

and..

this game sucks.
back with royals stuff later.

well, as usual, I'll be out this weekend, so no updates until Monday most likely. gee, I'll sure miss writing about this garbage.

in the meantime, greg hall has written a good article to get even more pissed by. I missed "off the couch" when the pitch stopped running it – I didn't know greg hall was still writing about local sports until yesterday. but it's a good read.

I already know I'll miss the game tonight. hopefully I'll catch some of the Saturday and Sunday games, so that I can continue on my path to completely hating major league baseball. to fully get into it would be one long, lengthy column (which I'll probably end up writing one of these days), but, for the most part, it's the fact that every team, no matter how completely ridiculously uneven the playing field is, is judged by the exact same standards. yes, the royals make many bad decisions, but to expect them to compete at all is nothing short of absurd. as much as I hate to say it, I'm really starting to hate major league baseball something fierce. I think it says a lot about just how stupid MLB is when they can't keep the fans that completely live and breathe baseball from hating it with a vengeance. I already do, for the most part. I don't want to, but I do. and as this season continues down the sewer pipes, it just makes me wonder why I even bother investing anything in this team. most of the time, it just seems like there's no point.

but anyway, have a nice weekend! back on Monday with the zero-run report.

apparently my work here at Royal Blues is being taken a little too seriously. see, when I cranked out the ZPG theory of royals ineptitude, I didn't realize that many of my 1s of visitors were actual royals players. you wouldn't believe the number of inquiries I got from unnamed players who did not want to be mentioned. "is that true?" "who really said that?" "I had no idea about this! those guys never tell me anything.."

so, in the interest of not wanting to be responsible for the complete and horrible collapse of this team, I have to say this to the players: guys, I was joking. honest. I know grasping, um, concepts is tough for most of you, but apparently the "play only one inning a game" thing (later reduced to zero, of course) sunk right in. so, let me explain it simply – repeat this to yourself daily:
hitters: "me swing good pitches. me not swing bad pitches."
fielders: "me catch ball. me think before throwing ball."
pitchers: quit.

checking the KC star sports section each morning sucks. it's not supposed to read like this. and, so, seeing as how "ZPG" really became a rallying cry for this particular royals clubhouse, I am going to change things up. because no one wants to read this garbage (no offense to bob dutton, I'm talking strictly content here), I am rewriting the story to read how it should.
(corrections on the royals behalf in blue.)

Royals: read this.

Royals set franchise mark in blanking of Twins

By JOE BLOW

The Sasnak Ytic Rats

MINNEAPOLIS — The Minnesota Twins succumbed to Royals starter Dennys Reyes for three ground balls in the first inning Wednesday night at the Metrodome. And Reyes didn't even break a sweat after the second.

That settled the basic issue — winning and losing — almost immediately. Thereafter, it was merely a question of whether the Royals could hold on for a franchise-record third straight shutout.

They did, winning 12-0.

Twins right-hander Kyle Lohse, 3-6, allowed fifteen hits hits, most for extra bases, in following blowouts the two previous nights by Brad Radke and Johan Santana.

This is a new high for the Royals. Never before in 36 seasons covering 5,613 games have they held an opponent scoreless in three consecutive games.

Until now.

“Hey,” manager Tony Peña said, “I think we have set a lot of history lately.”

None of it bad.

The Royals only missed a shutout Sunday in a 7-1 loss at San Diego because the Padres homered in the ninth inning.

The question now is will they ever give up a run again? With an open date today, their next chance comes Friday at Baltimore against the Orioles. The Royals' streak of 27 straight scoreless innings is just shy of the franchise record of 30 2/3 , set in 1981.

“You just hope the boys will relax and have fun and enjoy their day off,” right fielder Matt Stairs said. “It can't get better. You know what I'm saying?

“It's not as if we're even trying that hard. We're just not letting opponents swing the bat well, especially when they get men in scoring position.”

The Twins put runners at first and third with one out in the first, fourth and seventh innings. The first two threats ended when Joe Mauer and Torii Hunter grounded into double plays. Reyes struck out Jacque Jones and Cory Koskie in the seventh.

“Even guys who are good hitters aren't hitting,” Peña said. “That is the reality we're going through right now.”

Offense was no problem for the Royals. They rapped out 15 hits, including four each by Dee Brown and rookie John Buck. Brown led off in five of the first seven innings.

Buck had the first four-hit game of his career.

Matt Stairs and Angel Berroa each drove in three runs. In all, the Royals outscored the Twins 25-0 in the three-game sweep.

Reyes, 12-4, surrendered six hits in his nine innings. He gave up six hits, one walk and hit two batters — including Corey Koskie after umpire Chris Guccione warned both benches.

Twins manager Ron Gardenhire protested Guccione's no-ejection call, so much so that he was executed.

Not that it mattered. Peña was already in the process of congratulating Reyes while Gardenhire was carried off the field.

“I pitched better warming up than I did on the mound,” Reyes laughed. “Once again, I was throwing the ball down, and I was repaid for it.”

The Royals also spanked the Twins' bullpen, roughing up Joe Nathan for three runs in 2 2/3 innings, J.C. Romero for two in 2 1/3 , and Grant Balfour for one in one. Only Terry Mulholland escaped; he pitched a scoreless eighth.

Reyes is 3-0 this season against the Twins, which means he's 9-4 against the rest of baseball. He struck out seven and walked none in gaining the third shutout and fourth complete game of his career.

Luis Rivas had three of the Twins' six hits. Henry Blanco, Michael Restovich, and Cristian Guzman each had one.

The Royals have never thrown three straight shutouts since moving to Kansas City in 1969. The 27 consecutive scoreless innings are also a Kansas City record.

“In the major leagues,” Pena said, “I don't care who you pitching against, three straight shutouts is pretty good.”

Even against the Twins, who have now lost eight straight and 13 of their last 14 in falling to 29-53. They have been outscored 103-30 in that span and are batting just .187 as a team.

Has any team ever had greater need of a day off?

“I hope it helps,” Peña said. “Right now, it's the same thing over and over. Nothing that they do is right.”

wow, that was a lot of corrections.
but, does it make you feel better?

ok, no.

Royals Ponder Effectiveness of "One Inning Per Game" Strategy

Team votes to reduce number of innings played to zero

In a bizarre bit of strategy, the Kansas City Royals have announced a plan to take every inning off for the rest of the season.

"We held a team meeting," a player who wished to remain anonymous said, "and, quite frankly, found that we feel better if we gradually cool it down after batting practice."

Teammates echoed the sentiment.

"Playing games almost feels like -- work, you know?" an unnamed player expressed. "Personally, since we put this in, I've never slept better. No more nagging injuries, no risk of pulled muscles – it's great!"

Citing a precedent set by the large number of teammates currently getting paid while residing on the disabled list, many expressed bewilderment as to why they were not allowed to sign up for the list as well.

"I never saw the sign-up sheet," one player noted anonymously, "it's not too late, is it?"

A teammate agreed, "I understand Joe Randa gets to take a month off right now for his knee thing. I've been trying to get an appointment. I mean, at this point, I'm all about a knee scope!"

A fellow teammate expressed frustration over his inability to see the team doctor for a medical procedure. "I guess you either have to have seniority...or know something."

The desire for surgery has spread among the clubhouse in the last few days.

"I tried to get in with Dr. Steven Joyce first," noted a player who did not wish to be identified, "but he was busy. So then I tried Nick Swartz. No luck. I mean, I wouldn't care if (bullpen catcher) Ruben Rodriguez performed a procedure. Seriously. You know anyone?"

The publicity over an apparent "lack of hustle" – and subsequent trade to Los Angeles – given to former Cleveland outfielder Milton Bradley also struck a chord in the clubhouse. Royals that couldn't get traded or added to the disabled list prior to Thursday's game came up with a plan inspired by this idea to minimize actual playing time.

"We decided to only play one inning per night," one player said, "one half-inning on offense, and one half-inning on defense."

A fellow Royals player explained the rationale behind the decision.

"I mean, you look at (Bradley), and he refused to run out a pop-out in a spring training game, and got shipped off to sunny Los Angeles. And I'm still in K.C. It's outrageous. So, I'm taking 90% of the game off."

The plan, put into effect immediately before Thursday night's game, has paid immediate dividends. The Royals scored two runs in the first and held the Orioles scoreless.

"Then we shut it down," said one player, noting the Royals did not have a base-runner the rest of the game. "It was very effective."

Friday night, the Royals chose to save their offensive inning until the ninth.

"We stopped them in the first for our defense inning, but I guess one inning of offense wasn't enough. Ah well."

The Royals came up short, falling to San Diego 7-5.

Saturday night saw the most dramatic effect of the newly-instituted "One Per Game" strategy, or OPG as it became known to the players. After stopping San Diego in the first inning for the defensive stop, the Royals chose to turn on the offense in the top of the 8th, scoring 4 runs to tie the game.

"We figured, we might as well make the one inning count, you know?" a player articulated. "(Heck), we didn't get a hit the first seven innings, then had Tony G. hit a game-tying home run!"

Another teammate agreed, "We wanted to show everyone that we can play when we decide to."

Having already used the defensive inning in the first, however, the Royals found themselves unable to stop San Diego from winning.

"Well, we had only tied it in the top of the 8th, so we were out of innings we could actually play to win it."

A sacrifice fly scored Kerry Robinson in the bottom of the 8th to put the Padres on top for good. The play initially looked bizarre when the throw to home plate from Matt Stairs hit Ken Harvey in the back.

"I saw Harv going out to relay the throw home," explained one player, "so I started yelling 'OPG! OPG!' Harv finally heard me at the last second and blocked the ball with his back."

"It was close," another teammate echoed.

San Diego eventually won the game 5-4.

Sunday saw more of the same, as the Royals played defense in the first inning and saved the offense for late. However, instead of the making the game close, Kansas City was content to settle for one run in the top of the 9th, falling to the Padres 7-1.

"Scoring four runs in an inning is hard work, you know?"

With that thought in mind, the players held another team meeting to devise a new strategy.

"We were good at 'defense in the first, offense in the last', but felt like that was a lot more effort than was necessary."

Teammates nodded in agreement.

"When we found out the checks keep rolling in whether we go 0-for-4 or 4-for-4, the choice was obvious."

The Royals displayed an immediate knack for picking up on the newly coined "Zero Per Game" strategy, laying down for all nine innings in a 9-0 thrashing by the Twins.

"You go into the locker room after the game, and you don't have to worry about kooky shenanigans like someone showering with their clothes on or anything anymore," an unnamed player said, "now it's just like, 'hey, ZPG man!'"

"It's become kind of a greeting with each other. You see someone working too hard in the cage or on the equipment, you just gotta be like 'ZPG', and they realize they're supposed to be watching the clubhouse TV with the rest of us."

The strategy doesn't seem to have any danger of dying off with the 2004 version of the Royals, either.

"I think we'll be able to keep this up the rest of the year," expressed one player, "it's definitely a team effort, though. You know, 'juntos podemos!'"

Royals to city: "We Suck!"

Orioles 3, Royals 2

"We just didn't take good swings at (hittable) pitches...When you don't do that, you don't win a lot of ballgames.” – Matt Stairs

“You don't want to take away aggressiveness, but the play was right in front of (Brown).” – Tony Pena

"...after that, their guys pretty much just shoved it (at us).” – David Dejesus

“I don't even want to talk about it.” – Ken Harvey

"And I'm having no success.” – Brian Anderson

not content to merely let words speak for themselves, the kansas city royals proceeded to display a baffling array of weakness and ineptitude against a pitching staff that had, at one point, boasted the worst ERA of any team in the american league. they fired their pitching coach – hey, didn't we do something similar? – and have resided in the cellar of the american league east for much of the year. orioles, welcome to kauffman. sit down, relax, we'll see what we can do to solve your problems.

disappointed that the royals' pitchers merely own the unearned run crown, the royals offense set to work to lower baltimore's team ERA, scoring 4, 4, 1, and 2 runs in the four games. royals pitching also did its part, battling through a particularly difficult two games in which they allowed 3 and 2 runs to ensure the average runs given up in each of the four games at least equaled a brian anderson-approved 7.

but it was the offense that was the true star of this contest. as is bound to happen, complacency sprung from the two runs scored in the first inning, which under normal circumstances would all but put the game away. feeling it had led a rich and fulfilling life, the offense subjected itself to the firing squad without finishing the krispy kremes requested as a final meal. showing no class, the baltimore orioles proceeded to defile the remains of the royals offense in front of a shocked crowd of 22,000, who, sans doughnuts, was content to accept the spectacle of a quiet ceremony followed by a dignified fireworks display.

instead, what they saw was a massacre, a horrifying display in front of both mixed company and children. famed flamethrower Rodrigo Lopez charred the remains for 5 innings, before handing the reigns to the sadistic b.j. ryan, who continued to torture royals' fans in attendance. suspected necrophiliac jason grimsley, a one-time professed friend of these same royals, proceeded to display a complete disdain for humanity, unfurling a truly grotesque ceremony that left many outraged and the rest disgusted. Jorge Julio was given the unenviable task of cleaning up the carnage, and commenced his duties by spitting and stomping his way through. truly, these men have no conscience.

I hear the fireworks were nice, though.

honestly, I don't care what the royals do at this point, aside from continue to run out desi relaford somewhere every night, subject us to darrell may, brian anderson, saddle us with the "good" first-baseman that hits like rey sanchez, and continue to display an astounding lack of any type of intelligence on the field. that seems to be the thing about greinke that *shocks* everyone – that he "may not have the best stuff" (though anybody that can regularly run pitches up over 90 and throw a few pitches consistently well is someone I would say has pretty good stuff) – but that he is constantly keeping the hitters off balance and throwing things they don't expect and changing the speeds, even on the same type of pitch. um, isn't that what EVERY pitcher should be doing? are they all *that* stupid, that a kid comes along that is smart enough to do that, and instantly rockets to #1 status on a major league team? It just sounds to me like all these others guys are doing is blindly throwing the ball up there without rhyme or reason or any idea about what, exactly, they're doing.

same with hitters – you hear praise for a guy that can hit a ball to the opposite field, or how a guy is struggling because he's trying to pull every pitch – um, didn't you learn anything about hitting at any level of baseball before this? it should just be natural, some pitches go one way, some go another. this ain't slow-pitch softball here – you can't always pick where you want to hit the ball. are they really standing up there trying to hit every pitch they get to left field? seriously?

sometimes I just get frustrated when you see the absolute *wrong* guys with the *right* ability. and here we are, stuck rootin' for 'em.

in good news, curtis leskanic still sucks this year. way to go, buddy.

Orioles 13, Royals 4

i almost don't even wanna talk about this one.

...

ah, whatever.

the royals, once again, made the opposing team's pitcher look like an ace, in an attempt to show...well, they didn't get a hit through four innings. you guys know it's embarassing, right? right??

I listened to the beginning, as 'ol "goldfish" berroa showed off his outstanding attention span by immediately committing an error on the first play of the game. angel, don't you know brian anderson takes any negative, files it down into a sharp object, and immediately starts gouging everybody in the stands with it? so, the first run shouldn't have scored. and then runs 2 and 3 score, it's 3-0, and I had to go in and take care of a few errands.

(cue shopping music)

and, then, I return: "...so that's 3 up, 3 down for the royals, and at the end of 3, it's Baltimore 9, the Royals nothing."

oh, brian anderson, no matter how many times I hear you tell us you know you suck but don't know why, it just makes you wanna...I don't know, fire the pitching coach? sure, that's the ticket! shit's gonna pick up around here now, most definitely. yep. without a doubt. no question..

so, bye john cumberland. I'll miss your grumpy face and apparently ineffective teaching techniques. of course, when you're working with clay, you're not exactly gonna create a sturdy marble masterpiece. what difference does a pitching coach make anyway? ok, watch the pitcher pitch. say, "let's check this out on video. see there? where you threw the ball bad? let's throw it good next time." I mean, I'd imagine a pitching coach ought to have some pretty solid pitching knowledge. did cumberland? who knows. he should be able to effectively work with guys. could cumberland? who knows. in fact, for everything you can come up with, there's no way for those of us sitting at home grinding our way through your kansas city royals' games to really know much of anything about what goes on and how good the coaches are or are not. and even john cumberland's one big moment in the spotlight, the slow, grating walk to the pitcher's mound to say, "hey, what the fuck are you doing?" or "get out" was co-opted by tony pena most of the time.

and, so, with this season stumbling drunk and about to pass out on the sidewalk, we get a new pitching coach, 'ol what's-his-name. I'm bursting with enthusiasm. all I know is that I sure wouldn't want darrell may, brian anderson, and company affecting my job rating.

anyway, i stopped listening after the fourth, then turned it back on later for the ninth, and all i can say is: the royals scored four?

also, juan gonzalez is not dead. but his disability at work sure pays a lot better than mine. jerk.

Royals 4, Orioles 3

and I didn't even miss any of the game due to near-lethal sickness. nope, I got a phone call in the seventh inning that for the most part made me miss the rest of the goddamn game. ah well, here's the statistics that count:

Mike Wood: 1 start, 1 win
john buck: at least 1 hit
shawn camp: 1 save

who knew it was that easy? throw strikes (70 of 108), no walks (don't get yourself into trouble), 3 strikeouts (uh -- good job pacing yourself), 3 runs (usually ok enough to win). hey, I'm not gonna argue with success. whoops, almost forgot, relaford got the game-winning RBI. um, keep up the good work desi. I'm sure you will.

brian Anderson goes tonight. I can't contain myself.

anyway, not much time today. I will say that, with the lineup he threw out there last night, pena finally got it right for the most part. Harvey ain't a #4 hitter. but, no matter where you stick him, this offense is still punchless as shit. are you sure playing by national league rules wouldn't help us out a little bit in the offense department?

and, oh yeah, apparently Jeffrey Flanagan, ever the optimist, has constructed a line-up for the 2006 royals using basically every early-round prospect we've drafted or traded for in the last couple of years. because those prospects will all totally work out. come on, Jeffrey, let's just keep it light and fluffy like usual. ok?

Orioles 10, Royals 1

the royals, once again, made the opposing team's pitcher look like an ace, in an attempt to show...well, while, yes, this is embarrassing, can everyone please shut up about the royals being "winless since trading beltran"? beltran is not superman – in fact, he probably would have taken the last couple of games off, jogging to balls, stealing no bases – yes, he can be a very good player, but this team would have lost regardless.

fortunately, I came down with this horrible sickness last night, so I listened to the game sprawled out on the floor, fending off death. "fortunately" because I didn't hear much of the game, only waking up to hear the following:

"Baltimore 1, Kansas City 0"
"Baltimore 2, Kansas City 0"
"Baltimore 4, Kansas City 0"
"Baltimore 8, Kansas City 0"
"..and your final score, the Orioles win it 10-1."

and all I remember thinking was, "huh, they scored one.."

anyway, so, after battling fiercely through the night, I wake up to this:

“I'm still trying to figure out what happened,” May said. “I felt I had good stuff.”

shut up, darrell.

this guy is part of the problem – not just because he's a weak pitcher, but because he just doesn't seem to be able to figure out why in the world he's doing so awful. for all these guys that we're told have a "feel for pitching" or "great baseball instincts", it sure doesn't seem like many of them actually do. you have may (and his prodigy chris george) who, after every horrible game, say something like, "I was really throwing the ball well, sometimes you just have a game like that." yeah, every game. I don't know if it's better, though, to hear brian anderson talk about how much he's sucked so far, and how he hopes to turn it around. the problem is these guys need to pitch with a little intelligence. they put themselves into holes so many times that there's no way they'll be effective unless they just plain get smarter.

so, now, brian anderson is returning to the starting rotation. there's no reason for this, unless we're either planning on getting rid of him during the next month or after this year. otherwise, he's worthless right now. I don't think reyes will continue to be effective, but they know that they're not on the hook for a few million dollars with reyes, whereas anderson needs to come through with something. unfortunately, we have to watch him do that. they're just hoping and praying they can hoodwink someone into thinking he's somehow "regained his form". hey, maybe they could have some scouts out to watch him throw BP to the royals!

and, joe randa goes to the DL. are we missing anything? formerly, maybe a little defense, but not since he was hurt. and, is defense that hard to find? his hitting is awful. no matter how many times I hear the radio people talk about how well he handles the bat, he sure doesn't seem to. just a very average guy. but he's in with god and all, I'm sure there's something in that. at least now we get to hear desi relaford stop whining about never playing, since he'll be playing a LOT...for no particular reason.

have we reached the point where we're just supposed to pretend juan gonzalez never happened?

of course, with all the injuries around here again this season, we get these words of wisdom from 'ol darrell:

“It's a different team,” pitcher Darrell May said. “It's tough to take, and it's frustrating. You work hard, and this is the result.”

how's that groin holding up, darrell? it might not hurt to change the team up a little more..

all right...as will be obvious very quickly, i'm not an expert on the html or blogging industry. i've put some links on the site tonight -- i figure, a few of you have been nice enough to include me on your sites, and i'd like to complete the circle of royals blogs and send a link back. i'm not entirely thrilled with the way the pre-made format of this looks, so if any of you have any suggestions on how i can make this site look a little better, i'd appreciate it. thanks! juntos podemos! etc..

you mean there's still over 3 months of this to watch?

what a...disappointing weekend.

in order:
Friday: St. Louis 5, KC 2

the royals, once again, made the opposing team's pitcher look like an ace, in an attempt to show...um, what are they trying to show again? well, greinke showed the fact that baseball is very reliant on unlikely chance and inopportune moments to highlight the difference between a win and a loss. greinke gets rolen to pop out with the bases loaded in the third? the game is anyone's. the royals pretend like they're playing in an actual game? a base hit or two together could have won it. but, no, another team's pitcher "regained his form", and the royals went down.

Saturday: St. Louis 3, KC 1 (10 innings)

the royals, once again, made the opposing team's pitcher look like an ace, in an attempt to, show...um, royals? whatcha doin' out there, anyway? despite denys reyes' best efforts to bowl the cardinals over with his ground game, this game, once again, had the unfortunate effect of highlighting the difference between a bounce here and there or two feet in either direction. I couldn't believe sweeney's hit and the subsequent outcome in the 9th, but, then again, I could believe he would be swinging 3-0 and dejesus would be running immediately on contact in order to win the game. I can't blame either, but neither ideas were exactly the best ones. what if sweeney drives the ball in the air on 3-0? a fly ball to the outfield would do no good, since we only have a guy as far as second. a hard-hit ground ball at someone would likely be a double play more than anything else. a line drive out is bad; a line drive double-play is worse. a base hit is obviously good, but that's the most unlikely outcome. a walk would load the bases with one out, with speedster ken harvey up next. not that I particularly have faith in ken harvey. despite the somewhat still high batting average and talk (ha!) of "batting crown", he just doesn't get enough good contact with the ball on a consistent basis to believe he won't revert back to his usual technique of swinging over a left-handed batter's box curveball, or skying a pop-fly to the first baseman. BUT, with harvey up, one out, and a runner on third, all the same variables come into play as with sweeney's at-bat, only any hard hit ball to the outfield is likely a game winner, a walk wins it, and the only things that completely kill you are hard hit balls at infielders. naturally, sweeney lined out, dejesus was trying to score, and it all fell apart, as the baseball gods have determined it should be this season. if sweeney takes that 3-0 pitch, it would have been 3-1, and then anything goes. it's hard to fault him, because he did hit the ball ridiculously hard, but the "green light" is given too many times, I think. beltran was another guy that always had a green light, and managed a great number of ineffective pop-ups to kill innings. I guess one good thing about having a lot of rookies and poor hitters is that management isn't likely to give the green light to almost any of the players. if only management knew how to use it, anyway..

Sunday: St. Louis 10, KC 3

the royals, once again, made the opposing team's pitcher look like an ace, in an attempt to, show...jesus christ, i gotta watch this?

sad. enough to make you pour a couple bloody mary's and write about it on the 'net. unfortunately, since trevor vance doesn't work for local softball leagues, my games were cancelled this evening, so I had more time to reflect on this one. and, this is what I came up with:

pitiful shit.

I was really disappointed with this game. I watched a couple innings, fell asleep after a few runs scored, and woke up to a 5-0 score. even as the royals scored 3 runs in the fourth, you knew this was never going to be close. other teams justify their investments in high-dollar players when they play the royals, as it seems every star player manages to shine through against our boys. the whole weekend it was scott rolen and edgar renteria and no-names 7-9 in the order...hell, it doesn't have to be star players. it just has to be players.

it's kind of sad to see that st. louis, a town that's only a little bigger than kansas city, manages to field a competitive team year after year, which, combined with a strong team history, continues to bring in a rabid fan base. kansas city has fielded a bunch of nobodies for years, and, despite having a shorter history, experienced great success for many years, and *should* have something to show for it. but, years of bad decisions and continual claims of poverty and aversion to "losing" money on this team on the part of ownership is sapping this team. I think last year's run at .500 is going to do worse for this year than if we sucked all the way through the last 10 years without a glimmer of hope. because the "success" of last year stirred long dormant hopes in the hearts of many of the small number of people in this town, and while most of them don't quite understand the gigantic economic differences, there's still the fact that the owners of these teams are absurdly rich, yet almost completely unwilling to actually spend any of their own money on a winner. god forbid that. but, being worth hundreds of millions and at the same time being afraid of spending a little of that money on something many people care about that you – and only you – have the power to change breeds a lot of anger and resentment. and while the royals baseball club screamed for your money in the form of season tickets, and the need for millions of fans to come out so that the royals could possibly, potentially, maybe-one-day-if-baseball-fixes-itself be competitive, it's kind of sad to see only a couple million dollars ever allocated towards free agents this year. the supposed oakland / minnesota / moneyball-ish philosophies right now are crap. these teams lucked out with the right players at the right time...it won't continue indefinitely. but, anyway, this is stuff I fully intended for another entry, so I will leave it at that.

I'll just say: watching scott rolen, a high-profile, formerly available third baseman beat you on consecutive nights while joe randa flounders in nowhereland certainly isn't doing anything to help your image in this city, mr. glass. by refusing to invest anything in this team at all at any point during your tenure, it sure does make it hard to keep watching this crap.

after wednesday night's mega-post, i figured you could use a little break from all that pesky reading. anything happen while i was gone?

well, there was thursday's 12-3 shellacking. pretty sad. at least it happened early, so you never got hope that the royals were actually in the game. that's the most you can hope for some days around here.

thursday also saw the re-emergence of the real chris george, apparently the victim of a comical set of circumstances that began with his apparent disbelief of the news that the major league royals had inexplicably decided that they couldn't afford a new uniform for a player that had never been with the club before, and opted to bring up someone that already had one. apparently the "chris george" we've seen the last couple of games before thursday's was nothing more than some light and sound magic, courtesy of the kansas city royal's special effects team. unfortunately, the real chris eventually made his way back, culminating in an actual appearance at kauffman stadium thursday afternoon.

and, just in time for a well-earned trip back to the minors, too! bye chris.

i think if you search around enough, you may be able to find a thing or two about our little carlos growing up and leaving home. my initial take: i think we made out pretty well, considering we had nothing upon nothing to build on except other teams' continued insistence that having one guy for a couple months will marginally improve their team enough to overcome all of the randomness and improbability that goes along with winning lots of baseball games. and it seems like we did pretty good with the guys we picked up. of course counting on prospects really sucks, and there's no way in the world to know how these guys will work out. but, right now, i think there's reason to have some hope.

note to david dejesus: lighten up a bit. you get to play a lot now, so stop trying so hard. and since we have new line-up cards in stock, you don't have to worry about tony glueing relaford's name in your spot. for a couple days, at least.

well, i'm off for the weekend -- back sunday night or monday. good luck against the cardinals, of course. just one question: why can't we just drop this whole cardinal rivalry and start picking on someone that isn't good every year? it sure would help to have a natural rivalry with someone that, um, sucks.

this will be the first night since I cranked up this little site that I get to sit down and write as they play. it will, no doubt, be exciting. buckle up.

oh yeah: the royals won last night, 8-1. nate field continued on as the (interrupted) closer, closing a game they never would have allowed him to finish had the royals not scored 5 more runs in the meantime, and picking up save #2. way to build 'em up, tony. pitching successfully is never a way to get ahead, of course.

tonight I get to do what I love best: listen to the radio guys...uninterrupted! no matter how awfully boring the TV guys are, the radio team of Ryan and Denny is great! I'll hate to ever see it change.

but anyway, to the game..

6:55 – allard had to take a rain check on dinner last night. I was disappointed, but such is the life of everyone's favorite GM. some day, I tell ya. you'll have to keep in mind that I now have to finish allard's boulevard porters for him. can't let 'em go bad, ya know?

7:00 – is there anyone that needs a gift certificate for dinner for two to [insert plaza restaurant] less than major league baseball players? what a sweet gig:
Q: You hit the ball well last night. Do you feel like you're getting your swing back on track?
A: Yeah, I've really been seeing the ball well lately. I've battled through some injuries this season, but I've been working with pentland and I really feel like I'm doing better at being selective and waiting for a pitch I can drive.
Q: The Royals have made it known that they're listening to offers for many of the players. How does that make you feel?
A: Well, you know, we all know this is a business, and the Royals have to do what's best for them, and as ballplayers, we may not like it, but we know that's how it is.
Q: Well, thanks for your time, and good luck tonight.
A: Thank you.

how do I get hooked up for this? I knew those answers!

7:04 – starting lineup:
graffanino
beltran
sweeney
harvey
stairs
randa
brown
berroa
castillo

the good: tony pena finally managed to get both matt stairs and dee brown in the lineup. at the same time. playing, as they should be. I must mention: here at Royal Blues we pride ourselves in offering nothing but the *best* inside information we can gather. well, I learned earlier that, due to apparent budget restraints, tony's been using the same lineup card the entire season! yes, it's true. unfortunately, when filling out the opening day lineup, he accidentally wrote down "relaford" in pen! once he realized his mistake, it was too late – it couldn't be erased. and that's why desi and his .200+ average manages to show up in the lineup regardless of how little sense it makes. left field, right field, third base, pitc...err, ok, not pitcher (though, if it was on an anderson / may night, we might be better off), but still...you have a healthy stairs ready to go? there's relaford! call up dee brown to play some outfield? out goes desi! when desi landed on the DL, tony carefully took a pair of scissors and managed to cut out the square that says "relaford", and has ever-so-gently (so as not to draw much suspicion) been pasting it in different spots of the lineup card. at some point, he even managed to make "relaford" look like "gettis", which explains how byron ends up inexplicably, um, playing. on the field.

well, i'm glad to say, the royals finally stumbled upon a close-out special at the line-up card company, and are now working with a fresh set of cards! hopefully that whole "ink pen" thing won't happen again!

by the way, I would like to take this opportunity to congratulate kelly stinnett. upon dee brown's return, kelly finally completed his coursework in the Dee Brown School of Completely Screwing Up the Only Chance You Had to Start by Getting Injured Immediately After the Team Gives You a Chance to Play (the DBSCSUOCYHSGIIATGYCP institute. highly prestigious.)

much has been made of this being Dee Brown's "last chance". when did he really get his BIG CHANCE? yes, every time he supposedly was going to get much playing time, he came up injured, but sometimes shit just happens. I don't think he's ever really had a legitimate chance. and, with the unfortunate "relaford" line-up card mishap, he has thus far remained relegated to the bench.

so, maybe he can make good buddies with mike tonis, in the "tony is really jacking with my confidence" club. because, playing every fifth game and late-inning pinch-hit at-bats are a completely ridiculous way to evaluate someone. there is no chance these guys will shine if they're only grudgingly allowed to play. I thought tony played all his players! maybe somewhere, in the translation of tony mumble-speak, I missed, "I play all my (utility) players." tonis is worse off than dee brown. he goes from "catcher of the future" to "low-grade prospect" to...in the majors! and, when stinnett went down – he kept his spot on the bench! seriously, why did they ever bother to bring him up if, when he would actually have to play, you're just going to call up castillo and have tonis continue to make sure the gatorade jug stays full? these guys, really, have almost no chance.

7:15 – darrell may: "I call this pitch the 'darrell may special'!"
ivan rodriguez (after depositing it over the wall in dead center): "shit, man, I can't believe they still let you throw that!"
darrell may: "well, honestly, that's basically all I've got."
end top 1st: tigers 2, royals coming up..

7:25 – graffanino strikes out to open the game. tony pena claps and pats his butt for inspiration.
– sweeney almost cranks one out. Dodgers? you listening? I really don't want to see sweeney go, but, at this point, the way baseball works (which is completely retarded, though that essay will come another time..), if the royals can get a) good prospects for sweeney and b) out from under sweeney's contract, why not?
– matt stairs walks. randa hits sweeney in with a double. um, dodgers?
– dee brown drives in randa and stairs with a drive to center. dee, back to the bench! who do you think you are, desi relaford? no, wait, there's that whole "hit" thing..
– berroa singles. he seems to have relocated "strikes", though in the field he unfortunately has the attention span of a goldfish. he's certainly no "wizard", that's for sure. and, since I can't come up with anything else: "the goldfish" it is.
– albert castillo walks on four pitches. his OBP is through the roof! allard: call billy beane!
– estaban yan begins warming up.
– graffanino strikes out for the second time. hey, what do you expect? he's just a utility player. tony grabs him and massages his shoulders to lift his spirits.
end bottom 1st: royals 4, tigers 2


7:55 – darrell may goes through the top of the second with no damage.
estaban yan continues throwing.
gary knotts goes through the bottom of the second with no damage.

then, everyone forgets to leave the field.

while they're standing around, I'll say: you know, carlos beltran is, definitely, a good player. but I can more easily see him fall off into averageness than make his way into superstar-land. the worst thing that could happen would be if the royals offer up some glimmer of hope (and, even at this point, they're honestly not out of the division race by any means..) and beltran ends up staying the rest of the year. if the royals are never, ever going to be able to outright sign a player you know is going to be at least good (rather than the plan offered up by every wanky journalist that's finally got around to reading "moneyball" of taking chances on rookies or undesired veterans as the ONLY CHANCE a "small-market" team can compete – what, it's unreasonable to expect every team to be able to have a chance at players that everyone already knows can play well at the major league level? – they might as well turn beltran into at least two players, whether they end up ever being good or not).
end bottom 2nd: royals 4, tigers 2

8:05 – darrell may goes through the top of the third with no damage.
end top 3rd: royals 4, tigers 2

8:12 – randa singles. wow, other teams, look at that!
dee brown singles – he's now 2 for 2. tony, what are you doing?? you see all those base runners? what a mess! get gettis in there!!
the goldfish sac bunts 'em to 2nd and 3rd. woo.
castillo grounds out to first, scoring nothing. good thing, that bunt there..
graffanino grounds out to second, scoring nothing.
no doubt tony consoles his players...positively. pena gives graffanino a haircut and a shave (rey sanchez, eat your heart out). looking dapper and smooth never meant more to a guy's confidence..
end bottom 3rd: royals 4, tigers 2

8:30 – darrell may goes through the top of the fourth with no damage.
end top 4th: royals 4, tigers 2

mike sweeney singles in the bottom of the fourth. other teams: that's the kind of production you need! hell, I'd be willing to pay 15, 17.5 million to get someone like that. what? he'd only be paid $12.5 million?!? score!
meanwhile, gary knotts goes through the bottom of the fourth with no damage.
yan eagerly waits for the bullpen phone to ring so he can stop throwing..
end bottom 4th: royals 4, tigers 2

8:36 – darrell may gives up a couple of hits, but goes through the top of the fifth with no damage.

you know, the thing about darrell may...well, of course there's the fact that half the time he *really* sucks, but still...like last year when he was so awful for a while that he got sent to the bullpen – he doesn't seem to understand that nobody in the major leagues wanted him, and, really, nobody in their right mind would want him for anything more than a space filler for a limited time still. yet, when you hear him talk, he seems to think he should have a permanent space in the rotation. like tony should write "may" in ink pen, too! he was mad when he was moved to the bullpen last year, he was mad that he wasn't the #1 starter this year, and he always has some nonchalant, arrogant statement to make when he's asked why he sucked on a particular evening. yet, he's a soft-throwing lefty that's not particularly smart. he just throws (the darrell may special, of course), and either gets hit or he doesn't. he never really does much to make you think that he actually understands if or what he does wrong, or that anything in particular ever actually goes wrong when he pitches. I mean, I like the crafty, soft-throwing guys. but I won't be sad to see darrell go, either.
end top 5th: royals 4, tigers 2

8:45 – gary knotts goes through the bottom of the fifth with no damage.
yan checks the calendar to see if it might be April 1 again.
end bottom 5th: royals 4, tigers 2

8:50 – darrell may throws his first 1-2-3 inning, going through the top of the sixth with no damage. he's obviously forgotten how to throw the "special".
estaban yan's arm falls off.
end top 6th: royals 4, tigers 2

8:55 – graffanino strikes out for the third time. tony grabs sluggerrr's gun and shoots a hot dog at him to pump him up. it works.
gary knotts then goes through the bottom of the sixth with no damage.
alan trammell calls the pen to see if yan is ready.
end bottom 6th: royals 4, tigers 2

9:07 – darrell may goes through the top of the seventh with no damage. pena positively encourages him to throw more "specials" next time out.
end top 7th: royals 4, tigers 2

9:13 – estaban yan becomes the first right-handed pitcher to throw a 1-2-3 inning without a right arm since jack "lefty" mcgee did it for the st. louis browns in 1912. jayson stark frantically researches all right-handed one-armed pitcher anomalies for his "wild pitches" column next week.
end bottom 7th: royals 4, tigers 2

9:16 – tony pena calls for utility player mendy lopez from the bullpen. after being informed lopez is currently in AAA, scott sullivan is allowed to pitch. darrell may pouts in the dugout, only to be cheerfully tickled by tony's mustache.
end top 8th: royals 4, tigers 2

9:20 – someone at baseball prospectus develops N.O.A.R.M. (natural one armed righty metric), a new tool used to measure right-handed one-armed pitchers' effectiveness. the oakland a's farm system, of course, comes out on top.

9:22 – play is halted as the tigers' trainer attempts to re-attach estaban yan's recently discovered arm. after an unsuccessful attempt, yan gives up an infield single to the goldfish and a bunt single/error to castillo.
– graffanino doubles/errors to a fallen alex sanchez. the goldfish swims home as tony pena prepares a milk bath to sooth graffanino's tired arms after that monstrous swing.
– sweeney is intentionally walked. (so i say D...i say D-O...D-O-D-G-E-R-S..)
– harvey singles in two runs. you walk beltran, sweeney kills ya. you walk sweeney, harvey kills ya. you walk harvey..."relaford" kills ya? um, suure..
– sluggerrr sneaks in and starts lapping up the milk bath on the diamondvision's "milk cam". a while later, after realizing he's on camera, he proceeds to wave to the side of the diamondvision screen.
end bottom 8th: royals 7, tigers 2

9:28 – affeldt enters. he gives up a triple and then a run. pena calls an escort for graffanino to help him forget about the night. it works.
pena scratches sluggerrr's chin for luck.
– affeldt closes out the game. nate field scoffs.
end top 9th: royals 7, tigers 3

tony pena then flashes a rare smile. royals win!