this will be the first night since I cranked up this little site that I get to sit down and write as they play. it will, no doubt, be exciting. buckle up.

oh yeah: the royals won last night, 8-1. nate field continued on as the (interrupted) closer, closing a game they never would have allowed him to finish had the royals not scored 5 more runs in the meantime, and picking up save #2. way to build 'em up, tony. pitching successfully is never a way to get ahead, of course.

tonight I get to do what I love best: listen to the radio guys...uninterrupted! no matter how awfully boring the TV guys are, the radio team of Ryan and Denny is great! I'll hate to ever see it change.

but anyway, to the game..

6:55 – allard had to take a rain check on dinner last night. I was disappointed, but such is the life of everyone's favorite GM. some day, I tell ya. you'll have to keep in mind that I now have to finish allard's boulevard porters for him. can't let 'em go bad, ya know?

7:00 – is there anyone that needs a gift certificate for dinner for two to [insert plaza restaurant] less than major league baseball players? what a sweet gig:
Q: You hit the ball well last night. Do you feel like you're getting your swing back on track?
A: Yeah, I've really been seeing the ball well lately. I've battled through some injuries this season, but I've been working with pentland and I really feel like I'm doing better at being selective and waiting for a pitch I can drive.
Q: The Royals have made it known that they're listening to offers for many of the players. How does that make you feel?
A: Well, you know, we all know this is a business, and the Royals have to do what's best for them, and as ballplayers, we may not like it, but we know that's how it is.
Q: Well, thanks for your time, and good luck tonight.
A: Thank you.

how do I get hooked up for this? I knew those answers!

7:04 – starting lineup:
graffanino
beltran
sweeney
harvey
stairs
randa
brown
berroa
castillo

the good: tony pena finally managed to get both matt stairs and dee brown in the lineup. at the same time. playing, as they should be. I must mention: here at Royal Blues we pride ourselves in offering nothing but the *best* inside information we can gather. well, I learned earlier that, due to apparent budget restraints, tony's been using the same lineup card the entire season! yes, it's true. unfortunately, when filling out the opening day lineup, he accidentally wrote down "relaford" in pen! once he realized his mistake, it was too late – it couldn't be erased. and that's why desi and his .200+ average manages to show up in the lineup regardless of how little sense it makes. left field, right field, third base, pitc...err, ok, not pitcher (though, if it was on an anderson / may night, we might be better off), but still...you have a healthy stairs ready to go? there's relaford! call up dee brown to play some outfield? out goes desi! when desi landed on the DL, tony carefully took a pair of scissors and managed to cut out the square that says "relaford", and has ever-so-gently (so as not to draw much suspicion) been pasting it in different spots of the lineup card. at some point, he even managed to make "relaford" look like "gettis", which explains how byron ends up inexplicably, um, playing. on the field.

well, i'm glad to say, the royals finally stumbled upon a close-out special at the line-up card company, and are now working with a fresh set of cards! hopefully that whole "ink pen" thing won't happen again!

by the way, I would like to take this opportunity to congratulate kelly stinnett. upon dee brown's return, kelly finally completed his coursework in the Dee Brown School of Completely Screwing Up the Only Chance You Had to Start by Getting Injured Immediately After the Team Gives You a Chance to Play (the DBSCSUOCYHSGIIATGYCP institute. highly prestigious.)

much has been made of this being Dee Brown's "last chance". when did he really get his BIG CHANCE? yes, every time he supposedly was going to get much playing time, he came up injured, but sometimes shit just happens. I don't think he's ever really had a legitimate chance. and, with the unfortunate "relaford" line-up card mishap, he has thus far remained relegated to the bench.

so, maybe he can make good buddies with mike tonis, in the "tony is really jacking with my confidence" club. because, playing every fifth game and late-inning pinch-hit at-bats are a completely ridiculous way to evaluate someone. there is no chance these guys will shine if they're only grudgingly allowed to play. I thought tony played all his players! maybe somewhere, in the translation of tony mumble-speak, I missed, "I play all my (utility) players." tonis is worse off than dee brown. he goes from "catcher of the future" to "low-grade prospect" to...in the majors! and, when stinnett went down – he kept his spot on the bench! seriously, why did they ever bother to bring him up if, when he would actually have to play, you're just going to call up castillo and have tonis continue to make sure the gatorade jug stays full? these guys, really, have almost no chance.

7:15 – darrell may: "I call this pitch the 'darrell may special'!"
ivan rodriguez (after depositing it over the wall in dead center): "shit, man, I can't believe they still let you throw that!"
darrell may: "well, honestly, that's basically all I've got."
end top 1st: tigers 2, royals coming up..

7:25 – graffanino strikes out to open the game. tony pena claps and pats his butt for inspiration.
– sweeney almost cranks one out. Dodgers? you listening? I really don't want to see sweeney go, but, at this point, the way baseball works (which is completely retarded, though that essay will come another time..), if the royals can get a) good prospects for sweeney and b) out from under sweeney's contract, why not?
– matt stairs walks. randa hits sweeney in with a double. um, dodgers?
– dee brown drives in randa and stairs with a drive to center. dee, back to the bench! who do you think you are, desi relaford? no, wait, there's that whole "hit" thing..
– berroa singles. he seems to have relocated "strikes", though in the field he unfortunately has the attention span of a goldfish. he's certainly no "wizard", that's for sure. and, since I can't come up with anything else: "the goldfish" it is.
– albert castillo walks on four pitches. his OBP is through the roof! allard: call billy beane!
– estaban yan begins warming up.
– graffanino strikes out for the second time. hey, what do you expect? he's just a utility player. tony grabs him and massages his shoulders to lift his spirits.
end bottom 1st: royals 4, tigers 2


7:55 – darrell may goes through the top of the second with no damage.
estaban yan continues throwing.
gary knotts goes through the bottom of the second with no damage.

then, everyone forgets to leave the field.

while they're standing around, I'll say: you know, carlos beltran is, definitely, a good player. but I can more easily see him fall off into averageness than make his way into superstar-land. the worst thing that could happen would be if the royals offer up some glimmer of hope (and, even at this point, they're honestly not out of the division race by any means..) and beltran ends up staying the rest of the year. if the royals are never, ever going to be able to outright sign a player you know is going to be at least good (rather than the plan offered up by every wanky journalist that's finally got around to reading "moneyball" of taking chances on rookies or undesired veterans as the ONLY CHANCE a "small-market" team can compete – what, it's unreasonable to expect every team to be able to have a chance at players that everyone already knows can play well at the major league level? – they might as well turn beltran into at least two players, whether they end up ever being good or not).
end bottom 2nd: royals 4, tigers 2

8:05 – darrell may goes through the top of the third with no damage.
end top 3rd: royals 4, tigers 2

8:12 – randa singles. wow, other teams, look at that!
dee brown singles – he's now 2 for 2. tony, what are you doing?? you see all those base runners? what a mess! get gettis in there!!
the goldfish sac bunts 'em to 2nd and 3rd. woo.
castillo grounds out to first, scoring nothing. good thing, that bunt there..
graffanino grounds out to second, scoring nothing.
no doubt tony consoles his players...positively. pena gives graffanino a haircut and a shave (rey sanchez, eat your heart out). looking dapper and smooth never meant more to a guy's confidence..
end bottom 3rd: royals 4, tigers 2

8:30 – darrell may goes through the top of the fourth with no damage.
end top 4th: royals 4, tigers 2

mike sweeney singles in the bottom of the fourth. other teams: that's the kind of production you need! hell, I'd be willing to pay 15, 17.5 million to get someone like that. what? he'd only be paid $12.5 million?!? score!
meanwhile, gary knotts goes through the bottom of the fourth with no damage.
yan eagerly waits for the bullpen phone to ring so he can stop throwing..
end bottom 4th: royals 4, tigers 2

8:36 – darrell may gives up a couple of hits, but goes through the top of the fifth with no damage.

you know, the thing about darrell may...well, of course there's the fact that half the time he *really* sucks, but still...like last year when he was so awful for a while that he got sent to the bullpen – he doesn't seem to understand that nobody in the major leagues wanted him, and, really, nobody in their right mind would want him for anything more than a space filler for a limited time still. yet, when you hear him talk, he seems to think he should have a permanent space in the rotation. like tony should write "may" in ink pen, too! he was mad when he was moved to the bullpen last year, he was mad that he wasn't the #1 starter this year, and he always has some nonchalant, arrogant statement to make when he's asked why he sucked on a particular evening. yet, he's a soft-throwing lefty that's not particularly smart. he just throws (the darrell may special, of course), and either gets hit or he doesn't. he never really does much to make you think that he actually understands if or what he does wrong, or that anything in particular ever actually goes wrong when he pitches. I mean, I like the crafty, soft-throwing guys. but I won't be sad to see darrell go, either.
end top 5th: royals 4, tigers 2

8:45 – gary knotts goes through the bottom of the fifth with no damage.
yan checks the calendar to see if it might be April 1 again.
end bottom 5th: royals 4, tigers 2

8:50 – darrell may throws his first 1-2-3 inning, going through the top of the sixth with no damage. he's obviously forgotten how to throw the "special".
estaban yan's arm falls off.
end top 6th: royals 4, tigers 2

8:55 – graffanino strikes out for the third time. tony grabs sluggerrr's gun and shoots a hot dog at him to pump him up. it works.
gary knotts then goes through the bottom of the sixth with no damage.
alan trammell calls the pen to see if yan is ready.
end bottom 6th: royals 4, tigers 2

9:07 – darrell may goes through the top of the seventh with no damage. pena positively encourages him to throw more "specials" next time out.
end top 7th: royals 4, tigers 2

9:13 – estaban yan becomes the first right-handed pitcher to throw a 1-2-3 inning without a right arm since jack "lefty" mcgee did it for the st. louis browns in 1912. jayson stark frantically researches all right-handed one-armed pitcher anomalies for his "wild pitches" column next week.
end bottom 7th: royals 4, tigers 2

9:16 – tony pena calls for utility player mendy lopez from the bullpen. after being informed lopez is currently in AAA, scott sullivan is allowed to pitch. darrell may pouts in the dugout, only to be cheerfully tickled by tony's mustache.
end top 8th: royals 4, tigers 2

9:20 – someone at baseball prospectus develops N.O.A.R.M. (natural one armed righty metric), a new tool used to measure right-handed one-armed pitchers' effectiveness. the oakland a's farm system, of course, comes out on top.

9:22 – play is halted as the tigers' trainer attempts to re-attach estaban yan's recently discovered arm. after an unsuccessful attempt, yan gives up an infield single to the goldfish and a bunt single/error to castillo.
– graffanino doubles/errors to a fallen alex sanchez. the goldfish swims home as tony pena prepares a milk bath to sooth graffanino's tired arms after that monstrous swing.
– sweeney is intentionally walked. (so i say D...i say D-O...D-O-D-G-E-R-S..)
– harvey singles in two runs. you walk beltran, sweeney kills ya. you walk sweeney, harvey kills ya. you walk harvey..."relaford" kills ya? um, suure..
– sluggerrr sneaks in and starts lapping up the milk bath on the diamondvision's "milk cam". a while later, after realizing he's on camera, he proceeds to wave to the side of the diamondvision screen.
end bottom 8th: royals 7, tigers 2

9:28 – affeldt enters. he gives up a triple and then a run. pena calls an escort for graffanino to help him forget about the night. it works.
pena scratches sluggerrr's chin for luck.
– affeldt closes out the game. nate field scoffs.
end top 9th: royals 7, tigers 3

tony pena then flashes a rare smile. royals win!