(ed: Joe, check the source on this)
Darrell May Pitches a Shutout
(ed: Joe, what are you doing here? please be serious.)
Royals Shut Out Until 9th Inning
(Joe: ed, is this better? OPG!)
Royals Score 11 in Series Finale Victory
(ed: Joe, please, people take this seriously..)
* * * * * *
oops, guess I took a couple days longer than I planned on. this team isn't exactly the most inspiring team to write about right now, though I did intend something for the "all"-"star" break. nothing doing, obviously.
anyway, on Tuesday we had our company outing, where we all went and stunk it up at golf. I've quickly learned this year that I hate golf. so about hole #9, I started drinking some beers, after which I played exactly the same. upon returning home, I continued, and figured, what better way to get pissed off than watching the all-star game at the same time...so, here it is, a day late, but here anyway. enjoy!
* * * * * *
on to the "all"-"star" game:
the taco bell pitching guy: seriously, what was that guy throwing? the "girl ball"? the "puss ball"? wait, he threw like a total complete pre-pubescent girl and won a million dollars? I'm speechless..
though I could go for some taco bell.
ok, my quick, first-come words on the "all-stars" and / or why they were chosen:
AL reserve coaches:
tony pena: token
carlos tosca: foreign
players:
francisco rodriguez: world series
miguel tejada: big contract
david ortiz: high profile team
curt schilling: high profile / big contract
esteban loiaza: last year
matt lawton: he's here?
ron belliard: eh?
jake westbrook: who? uh..
victor martinez: I've heard he's doing good..
cc sabathia: are the indians doing that well? seriously, what the fuck?
carlos guillen: shortstop's weak again.
ken harvey: SWINGIN'.
joe nathan: hahaha, twins suck.
gary sheffield: dick.
javier vasquez: dick.
tom gordon: dick.
mariano rivera: dick.
hideki matsui: dick.
tim hudson: just wait till the A's can't afford good pitchers..
carl crawford: good crowd response. weird.
hank blalock: good press.
michael young: what, did matt lawton bring him?
francisco cordero: stowaway.
kenny rogers: "you painted up your lips and rolled and curled your tinted hair.."
ted lilly dude, poor guy. that announcer totally gave him a down voice, like he was the very last guy that absolutely didn't belong. I mean, he sucks on my starting rotation in my playstation game, but he made the all-star game, didn't he?
NL reserve coaches:
clint hurdle: the rockies do something good?
jimy williams: hahahaha, the hometown totally hates their manager.
players:
randy johnson: asshole
johnny estrada: hi.
moises alou: tinkle.
carlos zambrano: good press.
barry larkin: old man.
sean casey: good press.
danny graves: please, introduce yourself..
todd helton: "I love colorado!"
mike lowell: "we won the world series!"
miguel cabrera: "that's right! don't forget me in my contract year!"
carl pavano: "I'm here, too."
armando benitez: "I'm not roberto hernandez, I'm not jose mesa, I'm not arthur rhodes...I am ARMANDO BENITEZ. ok?"
carlos beltran: FUCK YOU CARLOS.
paul loduca: see, he's good in my PS2 game..
eric gagne: "I'm here again."
ben sheets: "I make $3.50 an hour...plus tips. god bless you bud selig."
dan kolb: "my last name starts with 'k'. jayson stark: pay attention to what I do, in case it's unusual for a 'k' guy, oK?"
livan hernandez: "yeah yeah, I'm here too.."
tom glavine: traitor.
jim thome: traitor.
bobby abreu: "look ma, I made it! please don't blink!"
jack wilson: "remember my name! oh, it's just like 1,000,000,000,000 others'.."
mark loretta: a guy that deserves to go? I'm confused?
jason schmidt: "fuck roger clemens. ass."
starting manager AL:
joe torre: "yep, I'm here."
players:
ichiro: wuss.
IROD: $$$ ass.
vlad guerrero: $$$ ass.
manny ramirez: $$$ ass.
AROD: $$$ ass.
jason giambi: $$$ ass.
derek jeter: I hate this man more than I hate just about any person EVER.
alfonso soriano: "how do I not break when I hit the ball?"
mark mulder: "just wait till the A's can't afford me.."
starting manager NL:
jack mckeon: "hi!"
players:
edgar renteria: "I play for st. louis."
albert pujols: "do I even play first base?"
barry bonds: die.
scott rolen: $$$ ass.
sammy sosa: you want me to save this wine cork for ya? dumbass.
mike piazza: is he jack or will? you decide!
lance berkman: "I play for houston!"
jeff kent: "and you thought mike sweeney was a dork!"
roger clemens: he's right there below jeter. ASS.
first thing: as far as this roger clemens / mike piazza thing...roger clemens is a complete asshole, and mike piazza is obviously gay. unfortunately, piazza is too gay for his own good, because he's totally taken it from roger clemens throughout this entire ordeal. it would be awesome if he completely refused to catch him, or caught the ball and charged the mound, or stabbed the guy through the neck, or...oh, uh, hey! anyway, um, piazza: stop being so gay. kick his pasty, turncoat, money-grubbing, childish mother-fucker ass.
fantasia's national anthem: good lord. that girl is annoying on top of annoying. can I stick Q-tips completely through her head a couple of times? cause that's about how I feel. on good days, at least..
muhammad ali: I thought he was put into cold storage like ronald reagan until he died. the all-stars closing in on him in some sort of faux "show of respect" was totally ridiculous. I hate those guys.
the announcers are gay, can we just get that out of the way? they're totally lame, it's not even worth commenting on. probably. oh, I'm sure they'll say something eventually that I can't stand and I'll say something. but, I try not to pay attention, so...you know..
Top 1st
Ichiro: double off the wall. sosa has no clue how to play it.
I. Rodriguez: triple off the wall. sosa has no clue how to play it.
V. Guerrero: combacker to the mound. clemens plays it like he TOTALLY had I-ROD at his mercy, like he was possibly gonna turn and whip it to third – posturing like a total asshole that manages to convince every baseball writer he had a chance – and weakly throws to first.
M. Ramirez: laces a home run. yee haw.
A. Rodriguez: you think clemens promised him some sweet sweet lovin' for making him look at least a little bit better on TV by striking out? odds say: yes!
J. Giambi: bounces once to uber-dork Jeff Kent, who's too busy worrying about whether roger clemens loves his mustache to field it cleanly. clemens winks at A-ROD to convince him he's the only one..
D. Jeter: HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE meekly slaps a single into right field. HATE.
A. Soriano: launches a home run! dude's scrawny, I must say. clemens retracts his promise of sweet lovin'. A-ROD grins.
M. Mulder: why the fuck is this guy batting? this is stupid. all you can hope is he nails clemens in the forehead...and they never get the ball back..
*Danny Kolb is getting loose*
his only all-star mention, probably ever..
Mulder strikes out. Clemens kisses McKeon.
End Top 1st, AL 6, NL coming up..
E. Renteria: ground out to third. wow.
A. Pujols: doubles to center. yep.
B. Bonds: you know why people walk bonds? #1, because he's on drugs. #2, because he's a moron and it gets to him. #3, because he's on drugs and a moron. #4, because the rest of his team sucks. but, pretty much 99% of it is the fact that he's on drugs and a moron, and on drugs, and...what a dumbass. enjoy your shrunken testicles, freak..
oh yeah, his BALCO-less arms pop out weakly to center.
S. Rolen: "I only like playing for winners! pay me!" oh yeah, we already did the player intros...
Rolen is hit in the butt. Roger clemens volunteers to investigate for the medical staff..
S. Sosa: pops his cork in half while hitting a pop-up to right. Vlad Guerrero has no idea how to play it. NL scores one. Roger Clemens pats everyone on the butt.
M. Piazza: strikes out. he's consoled tenderly.
Clemens leaves his shower-stall # for him on his batting helmet.
End bottom 1st, AL 6, NL 1
Top 2nd
Danny Kolb now pitching. hopefully, roger clemens is dead.
Ichiro: bounces to first. we'll call him: Slapman.
I-ROD: single to center. A-ROD looks at clemens and gets nervous over another guy with "rod" in his name.
V. Guerrero: if all was right with baseball, there's no way he would have left montreal. but baseball is stupid, it's fucked, and these guys are pre-determined all-stars who can pick winners WITH MONEY at will. well, the "WITH MONEY" part has a lot to do with the "winners" part. more on that another time..
anyway, he pops to center. sit down.
*Loiaza warms in the bullpen* whoopee.
M. Ramirez: the announcers blab on and on about the red sox playing the yankees and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah who cares shut up shut up.
ramirez grounds out like a girl to short.
End Top 2nd, AL 6, NL 1
Bottom 2nd
L. Berkman: I can't keep track of who the astros trade and keep and play and move or anything...whatever, guy bounces to first. later.
jeff kent: what a loser. unfortunately, bonds would totally give him some lovin like clemens gives catchers if he was back in the giants lineup.
lovin aside, he lines out to 2nd. maybe he can do some motorcycle tricks in the dugout between innings!
b. larkin:
announcer: "some of you folks out there may not be familiar with mark mulder." what? you watch baseball? he's only every baseball stat guy's wet dream. they lap his every movement up everywhere, sabermetric or not. just wait 'till his contract's up, and see how much "moneyball" he buys into. ok, he won't, and they know that...but let's see them replace him. come on, oakland. do it! that's what everyone is waiting for..
larkin grounds to
End bottom 2nd, AL 6, NL 1
Top 3rd
Randy Johnson in to pitch. Please, someone, lodge a ball in that face, would ya? dick.
A-ROD: clemens
johnson wins.
clemens grimaces.
wait, did I just see a super-gay cartoon animation of a completely fake slider? did roger clemens draw it? who approved this?
J. Giambi: single.
D. Jeter: HATE. singles. die.
giambi wobbles into second, too weak to complete the trek to third. he asks for some BALCO, but instead receives clemens' cup. he accepts.
A. Soriano: singles right past renteria. what, defense is lame or something?
giambi waddles into third. he may have lost all his muscle mass, but he sure didn't get skinny. dumbass.
KEN HARVEY: PINCH HITS FOR M. MULDER. THANK YOU FOR COMPLETELY WASTING OUR GUY IN THE THIRD INNING WITH THE ONLY POSSIBILITY BEING THAT HE WILL BAT ONCE AND DIE.
unless he's gonna pitch. that would rule.
no, he strikes out. you represented us well, ken.
Ichiro: for the THIRD TIME. god fuckin dammit, no. can they die at the same time? no, instead, ichiro spiders away from an actual strike. please, slap something somewhere. we LOVE it. cause you're totally japanese, ya know?
ichiro slaps it to first.
End top 3rd, AL 6, NL 1
bottom 3rd
Esteban Loiaza now pitching. I thought they shot him after last season, since he was never gonna get any better..
E. Renteria: grounds out to third. A-ROD, again, leaves his feet like a puss.
A. Pujols: grounds to the mound. k.
B. Bonds: walks. swing the bat, retard!! you get calls cause you're totally gonna roid rage on an umpire if he calls it bad. and get that stupid fuckin cross-earring out of your ear! dipshit..
old man mccarver is whining about intentional walks, because he has no clue about actual strategy. "I remember back blah blah blah" "how could they do that" "blah blah blah" shut up.
S. rolen: base hit. so?
S. Sosa: this guy's just a dumbass. he gets caught doing something that really doesn't help you anyway, he only has a sense of humor when his translator comes up with something, and, basically, he's a total retard. his defense sucks, his grasp of things is poor, and basically the only thing that should come out of his mouth is, "I am sammy sosa." still better than bonds.
anyway, sosa corks out to second.
end bottom 3rd, AL 6, NL 1
*AND NOW...I'm tired of following the game batter by batter.*
in fact, that Taco Bell "girl toss" event earlier has inspired me to get some food. at wendy's.
wait, giambi just said to bonds: "love you too, baby."
I'm getting dinner.
* * * * *
so, I come back and bud selig is totally making out with roger clemens. what the fuck? houston gets to host their 2nd all-star game in 18 years, and all of the sudden anything goes? get this asshole off my screen! seriously!
those idiots from wendy's forgot my freakin nuggets! PUT IT ALL IN THE SAME FUCKIN BAG. still like them better than jeter.
that gay cartoon is back. seriously, do you think anybody that doesn't watch baseball is watching this? no, they hate it. plus, the animations are completely stupid. I'm sure roger clemens is at least executive producer.
you think johnny estrada's nickname is "paunch" because his last name is estrada? joe buck? shut up!! there's no coincidence to their nicknames being the same!
anyway, game goes on, complete assholes grope each other while blabbing about what an honor it is to feel each other up. joe buck longs for the day he'll get to do it, too. tim mccarver remembers his name. he smiles.
and..
this game sucks.
back with royals stuff later.
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