Royals Ponder Effectiveness of "One Inning Per Game" Strategy

Team votes to reduce number of innings played to zero

In a bizarre bit of strategy, the Kansas City Royals have announced a plan to take every inning off for the rest of the season.

"We held a team meeting," a player who wished to remain anonymous said, "and, quite frankly, found that we feel better if we gradually cool it down after batting practice."

Teammates echoed the sentiment.

"Playing games almost feels like -- work, you know?" an unnamed player expressed. "Personally, since we put this in, I've never slept better. No more nagging injuries, no risk of pulled muscles – it's great!"

Citing a precedent set by the large number of teammates currently getting paid while residing on the disabled list, many expressed bewilderment as to why they were not allowed to sign up for the list as well.

"I never saw the sign-up sheet," one player noted anonymously, "it's not too late, is it?"

A teammate agreed, "I understand Joe Randa gets to take a month off right now for his knee thing. I've been trying to get an appointment. I mean, at this point, I'm all about a knee scope!"

A fellow teammate expressed frustration over his inability to see the team doctor for a medical procedure. "I guess you either have to have seniority...or know something."

The desire for surgery has spread among the clubhouse in the last few days.

"I tried to get in with Dr. Steven Joyce first," noted a player who did not wish to be identified, "but he was busy. So then I tried Nick Swartz. No luck. I mean, I wouldn't care if (bullpen catcher) Ruben Rodriguez performed a procedure. Seriously. You know anyone?"

The publicity over an apparent "lack of hustle" – and subsequent trade to Los Angeles – given to former Cleveland outfielder Milton Bradley also struck a chord in the clubhouse. Royals that couldn't get traded or added to the disabled list prior to Thursday's game came up with a plan inspired by this idea to minimize actual playing time.

"We decided to only play one inning per night," one player said, "one half-inning on offense, and one half-inning on defense."

A fellow Royals player explained the rationale behind the decision.

"I mean, you look at (Bradley), and he refused to run out a pop-out in a spring training game, and got shipped off to sunny Los Angeles. And I'm still in K.C. It's outrageous. So, I'm taking 90% of the game off."

The plan, put into effect immediately before Thursday night's game, has paid immediate dividends. The Royals scored two runs in the first and held the Orioles scoreless.

"Then we shut it down," said one player, noting the Royals did not have a base-runner the rest of the game. "It was very effective."

Friday night, the Royals chose to save their offensive inning until the ninth.

"We stopped them in the first for our defense inning, but I guess one inning of offense wasn't enough. Ah well."

The Royals came up short, falling to San Diego 7-5.

Saturday night saw the most dramatic effect of the newly-instituted "One Per Game" strategy, or OPG as it became known to the players. After stopping San Diego in the first inning for the defensive stop, the Royals chose to turn on the offense in the top of the 8th, scoring 4 runs to tie the game.

"We figured, we might as well make the one inning count, you know?" a player articulated. "(Heck), we didn't get a hit the first seven innings, then had Tony G. hit a game-tying home run!"

Another teammate agreed, "We wanted to show everyone that we can play when we decide to."

Having already used the defensive inning in the first, however, the Royals found themselves unable to stop San Diego from winning.

"Well, we had only tied it in the top of the 8th, so we were out of innings we could actually play to win it."

A sacrifice fly scored Kerry Robinson in the bottom of the 8th to put the Padres on top for good. The play initially looked bizarre when the throw to home plate from Matt Stairs hit Ken Harvey in the back.

"I saw Harv going out to relay the throw home," explained one player, "so I started yelling 'OPG! OPG!' Harv finally heard me at the last second and blocked the ball with his back."

"It was close," another teammate echoed.

San Diego eventually won the game 5-4.

Sunday saw more of the same, as the Royals played defense in the first inning and saved the offense for late. However, instead of the making the game close, Kansas City was content to settle for one run in the top of the 9th, falling to the Padres 7-1.

"Scoring four runs in an inning is hard work, you know?"

With that thought in mind, the players held another team meeting to devise a new strategy.

"We were good at 'defense in the first, offense in the last', but felt like that was a lot more effort than was necessary."

Teammates nodded in agreement.

"When we found out the checks keep rolling in whether we go 0-for-4 or 4-for-4, the choice was obvious."

The Royals displayed an immediate knack for picking up on the newly coined "Zero Per Game" strategy, laying down for all nine innings in a 9-0 thrashing by the Twins.

"You go into the locker room after the game, and you don't have to worry about kooky shenanigans like someone showering with their clothes on or anything anymore," an unnamed player said, "now it's just like, 'hey, ZPG man!'"

"It's become kind of a greeting with each other. You see someone working too hard in the cage or on the equipment, you just gotta be like 'ZPG', and they realize they're supposed to be watching the clubhouse TV with the rest of us."

The strategy doesn't seem to have any danger of dying off with the 2004 version of the Royals, either.

"I think we'll be able to keep this up the rest of the year," expressed one player, "it's definitely a team effort, though. You know, 'juntos podemos!'"